So bad and Oh so good.

The date happened...It was very tame. Very safe. I enjoyed myself. We both said we had not only a good date but good days leading up to the date. The next weekend he invited me over to watch movies and we ordered our favorite pizza. It was comfortable and I felt relaxed for the first time in so many months. He looked calm, and smiled more than I have seen in a long time. I ended up staying the night....it hasn't complicated things. Other than now my body misses him more then my mind does at times. I know..tmi..anyway. Right now we are having a text off because I asked him to call me and he didn't. Sometimes he acts like he is coming around and remembering what we had before the depression destroyed us. Sometimes he doesn't. I don't know, hope is a dangerous thing but I still keep a smidge locked up in here.

There are so many obstacles that are in our way..

Depression..still, he's going to start taking his meds though. He says

My openness and his lack there of...sometimes I shares so much it makes it seem like he does even less. I can't help it I have always been this way.

Money/rebuilding/jobs/opportunities lost and that need to be created

and really the only thing that I haven't been able to forgive is the fact that we wouldn't be at the point that we are today if I hadn't been so steadfast in loving him no matter what. Sticking by my vows and whatnot.I wouldn't let him give up on us even though he tried to. It hurts that I was in a sense chasing someone that for a moment really just wanted to get away. He has to prove himself to me and he has to show me how bad he wants this. How important it is to him by turning his ass around and trying as hard as I have to come back to me.

I understand that some things just can't be repaired. If he doesn't feel the same way I do,...if he doesn't adore me, believe in me, if he just can't live without me. If he doesn't fall head over heels for me again then there is no point in this.

I want to be the sparkle in his eye. I want to be the hope in his heart. I want to be the reason that he picks himself back up and gets his shit together. I can't make him love me. If he can't express to me how much I mean to him before January or I guess later if we push it back to work on things then its not going to happen. I won't go through this again. I want him for life or not at all.

We shall see....he started calling me his girl again..its a start. Everything has to begin somewhere. We can't start over but we can begin now and create a new ending from here.