Don't you absolutletly hate that

I did it again, I blew up again, and made people angry, but seriously I will not stand back and let my life be eaten away even if its grain by sand grain. When I feel like there's an injustice I'm gonna let you know. When you say something wrong and it hurts me, I'm going to let you know. When you do something that irks me over and over again, then I know your not sorry and you don't get it....and last but not least......when I look to my side over and over again and you're not there......I'm just ....alone....And I didn't sign up to be alone....

volcano's

S0 lately I have this extremely explosive attitude. Not necessarily a good one. I don't know what the deal is but I find myself getting really, really mad about tiny little things. It's like I can step outside and see myself fuming and I know it's ridiculous but I can't stop myself. When Lava hits the water it creates steam and stone and I feel like when I get upset I harden like that. Unless I unleash something I become this stone cold rocky person. It's upsetting. I don't like being so angry all the time. Mostly I'm reminded of how I was in middle school and early high school. I was this outsider, this lonely, extremely sad, despondent. I was unattached from everything. I feel like I'm sliding down this steep ridge toward a cycle of that mentality again. 

One minute I can be completely satisfied and happy and at ease. Then something triggers this feeling of withdrawal. Like I don't need people or there stupid feelings. I hate it when they upset me so I try to get away from them so they can't. It's like I'm trying to be a party of one. I don't want people near me and I don't want to be concerned about them either. I know this sounds very unhealthy. My only relief is my love. He seems to be the only one who can pull me back in and either kiss me or give me a slap in the brain. He makes me feel worthwhile. He brings me back to reality. I know that I'm really just extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and worried that I'm making wrong decisions about life.  I feel like the sky is edging down to press on the back of my head. Trying to force me to kneel and break down.  I've always had this strength of person and I know that I can shrug this off. I just feel like somehow I let people down all too often and that when shit hits the fan or gets bad or my relationship hits a rough spot it always seems that I'm the one at fault. If we get behind on bills or can't afford groceries it's going to be my fault for going back to school. Punishment for only trying to better myself. 

I need to stop, now I'm just feeling sorry for myself and bitchin....I wish I could breathe in this tight spot I've put myself in.

The fates

So its been a proven point that when I'm struggling with something in life the fates jump right in and do something crazy. I've been fighting a pretty nasty internal battle lately. Fighting with a truth that I've found out about myself. I know that I am a pretty bad friend. Not all the time, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in me that I just detach and withdraw and avoid life. It's definitely a really bad thing to do, but what can I say I'm frickin human. Humans are flawed. Some more than others. Sometimes I'm sure that I'm one of the others.

I feel like when I review my childhood I tend to see things how I want to. Like my best childhood friend. She was my one constant. The only one who then and now never judged me or abandoned me. Who wasn't material or wishwashy. She stayed with me, even when we drifted apart and together the many times that we did. Though I feel that she's still with me. Even now. 

Trouble is that I haven't spoken to her in ages because I feel like we have grown into two totally different people with different lifestyles. I have this stupid assumption that I don't really deserve her unwavering friendship. I was the one who drifted and didn't keep in touch. I was the one who got jealous of the new friends she found when I went awry. I was the one who cried at her wedding not only because I was so happy for her, but also because I hadn't been there for her, hadn't done my part and didn't deserve the spot standing at her side.  

Crazy thing is that she is never far from my mind. I miss her, and think of her often. I wonder how she's doing. I hope that she wonders about me. I feel the love that I do for her that I share for few people.

Here is where the fates come in. I heard a tidbit about her life at work on thursday and it was some pretty exciting news that I heard only because of a grapevine. So she was on my mind and in my heart again. Then she jumped up behind me at the store yesterday and turned my world on its side. I miss her and there she is. Huhhh..

Irresponisble bastards

I want to bitch about irresponsible pet owners today. I'm on a soapbox bear with me. I own two dogs;a beagle mix that was adopted from one shelter deemed unhoustrainable and abused and returned to another shelter all before he was 4 months old, and a pit bull mix that is the sweetest and most well trained/do anything to please you dog I've ever met. Pretty much I want to talk about him today.

I own a pit. So what. Some people think that owning a pit bull is like keeping a loaded gun around. Not the truth. I would worry more about my beagle biting someone than I would about my pit, and not because Pudge is mean. He is wary of strangers because of the people who used to beat him every time he peed. It's hard to learn to trust and to recover when you were beaten for a bodily function as a baby. So my sad, loving, slow to trust little beagle isn't mean. I just have to watch him around complete strangers because if they don't give him time to adjust and to trust, he would prefer to hide from them. Part of the reason we adopted Pudge is because he was so cute despite the hurt behind his eyes and the fact that he had a note on his kennel card about being returned as unhousetrainable. I knew no one else would be willing to tackle that issue. So my hubby and I took him in and he was housetrained in mere weeks.

Okay back on topic now. I've had Parker since he was 9 weeks old. I had him for all of the prime socialization periods in his puppyhood and you better be damn sure that I took him to animal friendly stores, flyball competitions, and many family get togethers with many other dogs and little kids to get used to being around. I taught him to sit at 9 weeks old and since he has learned every command you learn at basic obediance and a few cute tricks to boot. He loves fetch and he has an intense focus and willingness to please. He loves to lay upside down and give me kisses while I coo at him in nonsensical murmers that my hubby calls our retards in love talk. I literally love this dog like a son and a brother. I trust him with anyone. He is so well trained that having never met a cat before he accepted not only one but two to be adopted into our home in a six month period with no fuss, no aggression and no sweat. Not to mention that the 15 pound tom cat is his best friend and cuddle buddy.

I can't believe all the complete idiots that I see week after week on Animal Planet that have to give their dogs up because they're to aggressive or they attacked a person or a dog. I am so sad and hurt when I see pitbulls seized from fighting rings only to be put to sleep for having been taught to kill or because they are a banned breed in the city. I think that banning a particular breed is ridiculous. I think that there shuld be a pure and simple no aggressive dogs law and thats it. You should have to be responsible for your pet. Wether it's a golden retriever or a doberman. Not only are pitbulls banned in many major cities but they are also becoming one of the most prominent in shelters and irresponsible breeders kennels. People need to get a friggin clue. Just like pulling the trigger on a loaded gun is a choice, it is every dog owners choice to either train and socialize their animal or not. Do the right thing becuase they depend on us and they are our responsibility. If I see you with an overly muscular, spke collared, ears cropped, untrained dog straining to get at someoneor someone's pet from the end of dragging you on a leash you better bet I'm going to call you out.

before i go

I just want to say something to no one really about what it's like to be me. Mostly because I've been feeling stretched out and snappy about defending myself so often lately. Get over it. I can't help who I am. Stop making gay jokes at my expense.

I'm married, monogamous and happy with that. Very happy actually. I've also been bisexual since oh as long as I can remember, probably since I was born. I didn't really recognize that I was different for liking girls until early high school. Before that I almost didn't realize it and definitely didn't talk about it because it was way too weird for me. Other girls never thought about girls. I stayed quiet and closed up mostly because of my family. They're all pretty open minded, but also pretty damn old fashioned and really traditional. So until I really got immersed in an environment were people could have cared less I didn't talk to anyone about it. I've heard from many people that they don't believe me or that they never knew or that I'm not gay anymore because I married a man. ughhg. I'm bisexual, I always will be. Duh.

I was never really that girly, I had no sisters and was raised by a lineage of strong unwavering, hardworking women. We all like to do for ourselves rather than to have others do for us. I truly believe, like most lgbt that you are born and not made how you are. I rode quads and dirtbikes and ran through the woods barefoot as a kid. I loved getting dirty and being outside. I can only remember being girly I guess when it was appropriate. I never played with dolls unless someone else wanted me to. I played horses or crawled around like a dog. I never really had a boyfriend. One in middle school and none in high school. In high school I had just as many girl crushes as I did guy crushes. Didn't act on either. My one year at college I had a 3 week long flingy thing with one guy and went on one date with another guy, I was scared of lesbians because they were all out to there families and proud of just being themselves. Not my story. I was almost ashamed to be myself. How horribly sad that sounds.

There are these guys at work who know I dated a girl before I met my husband and they constantly make jokes and little jabs at me and tell me I'm being too sensitive when I get mad about it. They have no idea what it's like being me. When you live an alternative lifestyle your essentially on the radar all the time. When I dated a girl I couldn't go to dinner, go to the store, hold her hand in public without someone doing a double take or making a lewd ass comment. Guys are pigs. It's definitely gotten a lot easier to be out in todays world, but it still isn't easy.

So I really get pissed when people make me feel like less of a person or try to talk to me like I'm just confused.

I'm not confused. I love my husband. Period. I also can't help that I still find women attractive. Just like straight married people who's eyes wander. I'm monogamous and I would never want to be one of those people who was like, "I need both in my life to be fulfilled," because I don't. I can't however stop being gay. I relate to that lifestyle and lesbian and gay people too. Sometimes I miss being around people who are free with who they are and who don't give a fu&$ who I am. That's all. 

I'm done ranting,...It's just gotten me way more worked up about the situation. I hate that.

School and such

So yesterday I got my, "hey your accepted like almost everyone is into our community college" letter. I was excited,....and scared shitless all at the same time.

We have our furnace situation taken care of. We had to take out a loan but at least we have one and now we wont die from carbon monoxide poisoning. Yeah. We're going to refinance our house too so that will save us money as well as saving a lot of money on propane. So I think all that stuff will all balance out. Kellen's making a little bit more at work for as long as this new position lasts too. I'm just worried about our vehicle situation staying stable and also about getting a job that will last and be flexible enough for me to go to school and pay my bills. I'm signed up for the spring so I have to sign up in Nov and go in Jan. this runs me into the seasonal hiring so I'm starting to look right now because all the kids are going back to school from the part time jobs. wish me luck. 

I am super glad that I got off my ass and finally got the ball rolling. If I don't go back now then I know I probably never will. I don't want to work where I am anymore. A factory is definitely not my calling. 

I'm kind of freaking out though because I'm so filled with anxiety about trying to go back and how long it will take me and what if I can't make enough money and I have to drop out again. It would really suck to fail twice. So many responsibilities but I also have a responsibility to myself to have a happy fulfilling life and I have been getting soul sucked by my job a lot lately.

Oh, shit I just feel a lot of things. Like...I'm willing to work every hour that I'm not at school and to live on hot dogs and mac n cheese for a chance to do something worthwhile with myself. I just need to give myself some credit for once.

humanity

So, I got in a yelling match with my husband this weekend. Stupid mostly because we were having a bonfire and were a little loose lipped from alcohol. I would like to note that I am human and therefore flawed. I've been a little miffed at him for like a week and a half and I like to be an emotional rock. So I act like nothing bothers me and then tend to blow up on him. Bad of me, because that's really not a stable way of dealing with things, but also I feel like he knows when I'm miffed at him and usually even why but he just always acts like he's oblivious and then I blow up at him because it seems like he doesn't care about how I really feel. I know everybody fights everybody has issues but when we do it's like worse times 10 because 98 percent of the time we get along great. I mean we can travel together, grocery shop, do projects, even argue about stuff and have fun with it because we know it's dumb to fight and life is to short. So we try to have fun and enjoy each other as much as possible. Most of the time. 

I just mostly want to blog about it because I hate being so mad and hate that I can be like that towards someone I love that much. 

We're good now. We both said we were sorry and why and how it was stupid to fight. I won't lie I hold grudges. I feel bad, but Its hard to get over why you were mad in the first place. I just hate to feel disrespected. I feel like I am a good enough, loving enough, fair enough person to warrant respect. So if I don't get it, it's like the highest betrayel. I don't know sounds childish to say it like that but I know how it makes me feel. If I give someone respect it means they mean something to me and in that way I feel like they owe it to me in return.....ish

urghgh

on Emarosa's cover art

The album is called This is your way out, and the painting is of a tree holding an apple out to someone. When I saw it I thought "this is your way out of Eden." Now I am a compassionate and spiritual person but I'm closer to frickin buddha than I am to Jesus. So this won't be a christian rantisode Eden is purely a recognizable paradise/utopia symbol. Yeah I'm going there again. Every person I think has been in a place before where they have felt uneasy about being exactly where they wanted to be. For some reason the grass is always greener and achieving personal goals just leads to creating more. We are never truly what I guess I would call "Ideally happy,"

Now I'm not saying people aren't happy but it comes back to the fact that people are always wanting.  You got your degree you got your husband you got your dream life everybody's happy for you/but when you were a kid you always wanted to live poor and be free and volunteer all your time to starving kids in africa you saw on tv/wanted to be a firefighter/wanted to rescue whales/ etc....etc...insert unrealistic childhood dream you will probably never completely let go. You now what I mean. 

So I guess in my random art appreciation of an album cover that my hubby put on itunes I conclude that If I was Eve sitting next to the perfect man. In the perfect world with no hunger no pain no worries in life, I can imagine reaching out to an "apple/opportunity," I can see her face, and I can hear her thinking, "I could loose it all,"..but if you have everything known to god, literally, then loss is almost more of a true experience then what you have. You can't appreciate having anything and everything until you experience some kind of loss. Thank you Eve for teaching gratefulness, and appreciation. 

Doesn't make a lot of sense but I got it off my mind at least. 

quote

So there was this quote in the Guideposts or whatever that someone brought to work. It hit me in the right spot and I was pretty determined to blog about it so here we are. It went kind of like this, "Nature doesn't create storms that never end." Pretty much I took it as a response to hardship. Truthfully I've went through hard times but not as hard as some. I've been pretty fortunate and unfortunate in that most of my lives trials have been personal, emotional, individual. Hard to think about even and put into words. 

I can say that I never starved. In college my pantry was pretty thin but even Wheat thins and peanut butter, tuna and blueberry bagels are a feast compared to gruel and rice. I was never neglected or abused as a kid. Never dirty, I went to the dr and the dentist. I had two parents, and a nice house to live in. 

I guess I can get where I'm going with this. Think of a trial, a hardship, a storm in your life as it were. In todays state many, many people can insert such a time. If I think on past hardships like hmm...dropping out of college. Something that truly devastated me. I then try and think of the storms progression. Initially I was in a hurricane. Angry, sad, felt like a failure, like a waste. Of no value. I cried and walked though the days numb. Felt like I had to prove my intelligence and my ethic tenfold because I had no proof of my dedication. No degree. As time went by and distractions came the storm lifted little by little and I picked up the pieces. I have pride in myself as a person and not so much as a piece of paper or an achievement. I live day to day still dreaming and missing it but living life and not pitying myself anymore. Lately as the day I was supposed to graduate has come and gone the rain has quickened and subsided once again. 

I do think that I can take comfort in the cliche, "everything happens for a reason," Like my grandma has always said. I think that where the world is now. If I had accomplished what I initially wanted to then I would be in a very bad spot. When the economy suffers the people that suffer first and worst are the artists. Art is frivolous and when you have to eat you can't be so interested in museums, galleries, concerts, performances. So I would have gotten that theatre degree and come back to live at home in my small town, searched for a job and ended up exactly where I am now at the only factory in town usually hiring. I would be back at factory job square one like I was in 2006, today. 

Having lived through this behemoth of a storm I can say that It was a huge setback but the clouds have lifted and this isn't the end. Yeah I still don't really like where I am but I can work towards something else when I figure out what that something else is. Trials and tribulations come and go, they might scar us but we can recover. In all reality it's the rain that brings rebirth to the world. Think about it.

Individuals

I'm back on blogger, probably for as sparse a time as I have been in the last four years but I feel really wrecked emotionally today so I reset my password and climbed back on the feeling sorry for myself bandwagon.

I hate my job. I hate that I'm a hypocrite and that I have ranted about human wastes of air and space and now I have become one. I've always said that the relationships you have and the people that you really connect to equate to the mark you leave in the world. Yet I've wrestled my circle of people down to a mere few. I mean having a few people around that matter to you is more important than constantly being part of a meaningless crowd but,...I shouldn't have let so many people that mean something to me slip away so easily. People are worth more than that. I mean I hope that I am. ugh

A pound of flesh for paradise....these are lyrics that wreck my mind. In many ways. I read this and interpret it as, all the pieces of yourself that you have to sacrifice to have something you think is ideal. Utopian. Right. I don't know and I'm sure that no one will understand but, I've lost many soul appendages In the last nine years. I've given pieces of myself away, exchanged them for things that I thought would be better. I'm just like any other person in the search for their true self.  Suppression of parts of yourself gains you entry to other worlds. When you want to leave you can't seem to pull them back up to the surface.

I want to be a better me. I want to be a better friend, I want to have more friends. I want to have more of myself back. I want to be a better lover. I want you to want me....I want me to want me back again. I just want.....but don't we all.