I need a new beginning...
Not only because I am getting a divorce, but because I think that more than I have ever doubted anyone..I have doubted myself. My whole life.
It's hard to say,...almost impossible to admit to myself that it's true.
I have never felt good enough...for people...for success...for my family..I have always felt that no matter how hard I try or how much I do that I won't do or be good enough. It never bothered me when I was younger because I guess I grew up feeling that way and accepted it as a fact.
I graduated with high honors...but at one point I knew, absolutely knew in my heart that I wouldn't get accepted to college. Where I got that from I have no idea. I just thought I wasn't as smart, as driven, as dedicated as all of the talented people I loved. My second rate self could never get accepted. That's why I never applied to MSU...I auditioned for WMU because it was safe funny as that sounds. I thought I would never get in there either. I have doubted myself so much...and held myself back so much...it makes me soooooo SAD
I don't now, but when I was younger I always felt like a third wheel. Every great and best friend that I have ever had, has had one more best friend. I have never been part of a twosome. I always felt like the friend who could get amputated and the rest of the body would go on no problem. None of this was my friends faults. I just doubted how much I meant to people.
I often doubted that my husband appreciated me and that I was a good enough wife...a great enough woman...I'm sure that's a small part of why I ended up not being good enough.
I don't know I'm having a hard time putting words to what I am truly discovering about myself right now. I know that I need to discover the confidence that lives in me.
I held back in college because I knew that I wasn't a good actress, I felt like I was so lucky to be there. I missed out with some people that could have been great friends..not just good friends, because I was envious of the talent that I believed they possessed and I did not.
I just know that the one thing I finally do have confidence in is being a mother. I have never doubted myself there. From the moment my son was put in my arms I knew that I was going to be a great mother.
I hope that I can get some homework done after this and I hope that I can really get this going and believe in myself and the success that I want with this schooling...I know in my heart that I can do it...I just know that with everything else that I'm going through that right now my hear isn't really in it.
I feel like a giant jumble of thorny vines and like I have to delicately untangle and trim and weave them toward the goals that I am striving for. It will be tedious. It will be tough. The first step is having this moment right now...this lightbulb.
I didn't know that I was holding myself back so much...now I do...and now I move on ....
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Friday, July 06, 2012
Generation Divorce
So..8 months ago I was so geeked to be posting about my son and school and I think that I sounded hopeful...I wish I could go back 8 months and tell myself what was to come.
I'm sitting here listening to some of my old tunes..lots of sappy shit basically...and crying too so forgive the typos..Not that anyone reads this hidden web diary of mine anyway. I just needed to get this out of me right now or I may just combust...I have nothing..and nobody....I miss his smell and his soft skin...and the way that he used to pull me in under his blanket in the kitchen and kiss me good morning
I'm getting divorced. Which sucks...a lot...and not for the reasons that you may think. I always assumed that if you got divorced that it was pretty mutual and that people hated each other or were just so far divided that they couldn't give two shits anymore so they split.
That's not my case...I still love my husband...like I love him so much that it kills me to wake up and realize where I am every morning...that I will never wake up to him again...that we'll never go on a date again..watch a game together again..I miss his smell...I miss his soft skin...his voice..his smile most of all...I'm pissed that he got me pregnant and then just stopped loving me...I'm pissed that I have to see him for our sons sake forever pretty much...I wish I could move away and never see him or anyone he is associated with ever again. It wouldn't matter..I would still miss him. After 5 years together he became my world...and I see him in every activity of every day. everything that I do for my son that I could use help with I do alone. I see couples at the store with their kids and I want to cry. Here I am with my son I love so much, and someday he will ask me what the hell I did to make his dad stop loving me. I think he will blame me...Not knowing how hard it was for me to make a life for us out of nothing...how hard it is to do everything without the support I had planned on having..I would never have chosen to do this by myself..I never thought in a million years that we out of all people would be getting a divorce....I was blindsided...I thought we were both stronger than this..that we were both worth more to each other...He used to say that he never knew happiness..never knew love until me....I didn't think he was lying to me when he said it....how does something like that change..
my husband wouldn't make time for me...he slowly drifted farther and farther away for reasons that he wouldn't even tell me until it was too late. I knew it was coming,...it breaks my heart to think about it. First he stopped coming up to bed when he got home from work. Then he stopped kissing me goodbye on his way out the door...and I knew it was over when he stopped saying he loved me. We promised years ago that if it ever wasn't true, we would stop saying it. The day before I walked out the door with no job and a 5 month old baby I sat with him in his chair and wrapped my arms around him and told him how much I loved him and he wouldn't hug me back. I have nightmares consistently now where in half he loves the hell out of me like he used to and then all of a sudden he just keeps pushing me away from him...It hurts just as if it were really happening. Even after I wake up. Screw that ..it hurts all day long..every time I breathe it hurts to exist without him....He made me better than I have ever been...and now I have been reduced to the one that got in the way.....God....and he already has a girlfriend...our son just turned 9 months old...I moved out in March...we decided to get divorced two months ago and he already has a girlfriend.....I want to stab him simply because I wanted him to have to pay a little for the pain he continues to cause me...but no...I get to sit and cry and starve because I can't eat...and go crazy because i can't sleep...and he gets to be with somebody....and I know that he doesn't miss me....What hurts the most is that he can look me in the eye and say he's over it...and I believe him...I must have meant so little..to have been discarded so easily...and I know ...I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life that we could have had if we had worked out our problems..I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life and happiness he deserves...If he had been strong enough to not just give up and give in.....we would have made it all the way...I would have given anything ...worked my ass off and been so open and honest and understanding...I would never have just ...quit.
Like he did on me..
I am from Generation Divorce...we are the generation that gets a new relationship when we have to put to much effort into the one we have...we are the generation that treats people like they mean and are worth nothing...we break up families and friends and pets because we think its okay, everybody does it so it must be. We are the generation that lets work, money and everybody but our partner define our relationship. We let things build up inside us until the resentment created burns the love out of our hearts...We are the generation that is making love something that is intermittent....fleeting...impermanent ...We have taken marriage too lightly because we believe that divorce is our way out ....Instead of getting married with the intentions of spending lifetimes together.
If I had a choice..If I had been given a chance to ...hell....If he had let me in and told me what was going on from his end....before the baby....If I hadn't left that day....If I hadn't taken my ring off....If he had asked me out for my birthday like he was going to ...if I had never made two or three of the twenty phone calls..
If I had had the balls to show up at the house two weeks after I left like I wanted to..If I had had the balls to tell him how much he really meant to me..If I had had the strength ....I go over all the things I could have should have done every day.....and they won't make any difference now....It's over....and no matter how much it hurts....no matter how destroyed I am....It's still over....
I'm sitting here listening to some of my old tunes..lots of sappy shit basically...and crying too so forgive the typos..Not that anyone reads this hidden web diary of mine anyway. I just needed to get this out of me right now or I may just combust...I have nothing..and nobody....I miss his smell and his soft skin...and the way that he used to pull me in under his blanket in the kitchen and kiss me good morning
I'm getting divorced. Which sucks...a lot...and not for the reasons that you may think. I always assumed that if you got divorced that it was pretty mutual and that people hated each other or were just so far divided that they couldn't give two shits anymore so they split.
That's not my case...I still love my husband...like I love him so much that it kills me to wake up and realize where I am every morning...that I will never wake up to him again...that we'll never go on a date again..watch a game together again..I miss his smell...I miss his soft skin...his voice..his smile most of all...I'm pissed that he got me pregnant and then just stopped loving me...I'm pissed that I have to see him for our sons sake forever pretty much...I wish I could move away and never see him or anyone he is associated with ever again. It wouldn't matter..I would still miss him. After 5 years together he became my world...and I see him in every activity of every day. everything that I do for my son that I could use help with I do alone. I see couples at the store with their kids and I want to cry. Here I am with my son I love so much, and someday he will ask me what the hell I did to make his dad stop loving me. I think he will blame me...Not knowing how hard it was for me to make a life for us out of nothing...how hard it is to do everything without the support I had planned on having..I would never have chosen to do this by myself..I never thought in a million years that we out of all people would be getting a divorce....I was blindsided...I thought we were both stronger than this..that we were both worth more to each other...He used to say that he never knew happiness..never knew love until me....I didn't think he was lying to me when he said it....how does something like that change..
my husband wouldn't make time for me...he slowly drifted farther and farther away for reasons that he wouldn't even tell me until it was too late. I knew it was coming,...it breaks my heart to think about it. First he stopped coming up to bed when he got home from work. Then he stopped kissing me goodbye on his way out the door...and I knew it was over when he stopped saying he loved me. We promised years ago that if it ever wasn't true, we would stop saying it. The day before I walked out the door with no job and a 5 month old baby I sat with him in his chair and wrapped my arms around him and told him how much I loved him and he wouldn't hug me back. I have nightmares consistently now where in half he loves the hell out of me like he used to and then all of a sudden he just keeps pushing me away from him...It hurts just as if it were really happening. Even after I wake up. Screw that ..it hurts all day long..every time I breathe it hurts to exist without him....He made me better than I have ever been...and now I have been reduced to the one that got in the way.....God....and he already has a girlfriend...our son just turned 9 months old...I moved out in March...we decided to get divorced two months ago and he already has a girlfriend.....I want to stab him simply because I wanted him to have to pay a little for the pain he continues to cause me...but no...I get to sit and cry and starve because I can't eat...and go crazy because i can't sleep...and he gets to be with somebody....and I know that he doesn't miss me....What hurts the most is that he can look me in the eye and say he's over it...and I believe him...I must have meant so little..to have been discarded so easily...and I know ...I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life that we could have had if we had worked out our problems..I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life and happiness he deserves...If he had been strong enough to not just give up and give in.....we would have made it all the way...I would have given anything ...worked my ass off and been so open and honest and understanding...I would never have just ...quit.
Like he did on me..
I am from Generation Divorce...we are the generation that gets a new relationship when we have to put to much effort into the one we have...we are the generation that treats people like they mean and are worth nothing...we break up families and friends and pets because we think its okay, everybody does it so it must be. We are the generation that lets work, money and everybody but our partner define our relationship. We let things build up inside us until the resentment created burns the love out of our hearts...We are the generation that is making love something that is intermittent....fleeting...impermanent ...We have taken marriage too lightly because we believe that divorce is our way out ....Instead of getting married with the intentions of spending lifetimes together.
If I had a choice..If I had been given a chance to ...hell....If he had let me in and told me what was going on from his end....before the baby....If I hadn't left that day....If I hadn't taken my ring off....If he had asked me out for my birthday like he was going to ...if I had never made two or three of the twenty phone calls..
If I had had the balls to show up at the house two weeks after I left like I wanted to..If I had had the balls to tell him how much he really meant to me..If I had had the strength ....I go over all the things I could have should have done every day.....and they won't make any difference now....It's over....and no matter how much it hurts....no matter how destroyed I am....It's still over....
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