Doubt-fire

I need a new beginning...

Not only because I am getting a divorce, but because I think that more than I have ever doubted anyone..I have doubted myself. My whole life.

It's hard to say,...almost impossible to admit to myself that it's true.

I have never felt good enough...for people...for success...for my family..I have always felt that no matter how hard I try or how much I do that I won't do or be good enough. It never bothered me when I was younger because I guess I grew up feeling that way and accepted it as a fact.

I graduated with high honors...but at one point I knew, absolutely knew in my heart that I wouldn't get accepted to college. Where I got that from I have no idea. I just thought I wasn't as smart, as driven, as dedicated as all of the talented people I loved. My second rate self could never get accepted. That's why I never applied to MSU...I auditioned for WMU because it was safe funny as that sounds. I thought I would never get in there either. I have doubted myself so much...and held myself back so much...it makes me soooooo SAD

I don't now, but when I was younger I always felt like a third wheel. Every great and best friend that I have ever had, has had one more best friend. I have never been part of a twosome. I always felt like the friend who could get amputated and the rest of the body would go on no problem. None of this was my friends faults. I just doubted how much I meant to people.

I often doubted that my husband appreciated me and that I was a good enough wife...a great enough woman...I'm sure that's a small part of why I ended up not being good enough.

I don't know I'm having a hard time putting words to what I am truly discovering about myself right now. I know that I need to discover the confidence that lives in me.

I held back in college because I knew that I wasn't a good actress, I felt like I was so lucky to be there. I  missed out with some people that could have been great friends..not just good friends, because I was envious of the talent that I believed they possessed and I did not.

I just know that the one thing I finally do have confidence in is being a mother. I have never doubted myself there. From the moment my son was put in my arms I knew that I was going to be a great mother.

I hope that I can get some homework done after this and I hope that I can really get this going and believe in myself and the success that I want with this schooling...I know in my heart that I can do it...I just know that with everything else that I'm going through that right now my hear isn't really in it.

I feel like a giant jumble of thorny vines and like I have to delicately untangle and trim and weave them toward the goals that I am striving for. It will be tedious. It will be tough. The first step is having this moment right now...this lightbulb.

I didn't know that I was holding myself back so much...now I do...and now I move on ....