Grapplehook

Sometimes I wish I could reach through the infomindpuke of the internet and actually connect with someone intellectually for once. I mean don't we all spill our useless to anyone else mind funk out there hoping to have someone nodding or laughing or crying on the other end. Or maybe we like leaving it to the safety of the abyss. I'm not quite sure where I stand just yet. I'm on the precipice of the abyss flinging my grapple hook and hoping someone will catch it and set it neatly on the other side so maybe I can fumble my way across to meet them. Or pull them in with me, ...who knows?

Torrential Outpour

I feel misunderstood, or uncommunicative or, unheard. I'm not sure exactly which it is but I know I feel like crap. I talk, nobody listens, sometimes I feel like I would just prefer not speaking for days. Nobody can ignore you if your not speaking in the first place. Mostly I'm just run down because I keep trying to eek out precious minutes of time with my husband and I know he loves me but he just doesn't seem to want to make time for me. We work conflicting shifts, I work a ten and he works eight. We wake each other up half way through our nights any way we try to make things work. I feel like he thinks I have it easy because he's home already when I get home but its actually harder for me I think. I'm a lighter sleeper and I work more hrs, I get home and usually have to do something (cook,clean,run errands) He plays madden and throws some laundry in and falls asleep. It's making me slightly resent him that I don't seem him for days, he doesn't do as much as he used too and he's home longer than I am. All I ask is to maybe see him every third day for like and hour. Maybe some booty once in awhile, I mean how else are we ever going to have a baby. Grrrr. When I do see him he's grouchy. Then I'm grouchier the next time I see him. It's a descending spiral. He likes his new job, I'm not mad he took it. I just think we could figure out a better system, or he maybe could get on an actual schedule instead of doing whatever it is he does. I'm sick of him saying I'm always yelling at him. I wouldn't be so upset if he didn't act like he was the only one missing sleep and affected by this schedule issue. I just wait for the weekends and hope they come soon enough. Or I escape to the coffee shop because I can't stand to be mad at home while hes sleeping. Then I go home and sleep on the couch. I am bitter as cheap coffee.

Exodus

I can tell that the last couple of times I blogged (months ago) I was in a pretty sad and angry spot. I'm happy to report to my nonexistent followers that I'm in a much better place now. I'm still a chubby bunny and I never ran my race...my hubby's back went out and I can't run in the summer in the hours I'm out of work, it's way too hot...this is the second year in a row I've started up in the spring and been running really well, then it gets crazy hot and I quit...I need a treadmill. Screw that, I mean I'm pretty over being chubby..whatev..

After some panic over the program I'm trying to get into potentially getting cut because of the economy, budget cuts..blahblahblah..the school I want to transfer too has decided to keep it on tentatively..now I'm having a hard time getting my three math classes and bio done and working 40 plus hours of third shift all at the same time to get in...especially because taking one at a time I'm paying for them and getting screwed..but it's all I have time for and since they're sequential I can only do so much at a time..but I sure am trying..

In other news I'm on cloud nine lately...work is work and I'm doing o.k. there but life is great...hubby and I celebrated two years in Oct, and we are really doing well. We really are a great team, we complement each other and he's like the creamer in my coffee. We're thinking about kids a lot lately because he's 26 and it just seems like if we keep waiting for the right time that we're gonna wait forever...you can never truly be ready and prepared 100%

But enough about that I'm really excited about the fact that I've started writing again...so far It's not as easy and flowing of a process as it used to be but I banged out about two or three pages of a story I thought up while driving today and other than my inevitable stream of thought style that I have to combat and break up into tangible sentences it sounds pretty good. I'm just happy to be creating again...I used to paint, act, and write poetry...I used to daydream artistically dammit and somewhere along the way i let myself be consumed by things I had to do and stopped doing things I like to do...

Well I'm putting and end to it now....I'm better than unconscious existence....I am better than baseline getting by...I deserve to do things that bring me joy and that challenge me...

So I'm gonna...maybe I'll post some soon

running

So I've rediscovered running and I love it again...although im much slower and chubbier now...I've run three times with my dog Parker and he loves it as much as i do....yeah being in shape..

Chubby Bunny

This will be a brief, breaking myself back in post....my hubby started calling me chubby bunny..... He says he meant nothing by it and thinks its cute. I think that maybe i should take a hint. If your five foot three and you gain 5-7 pounds you feel like you gained twenty....literally. So April first I decided that I would make a serious effort to not gain any more and to start loosing a couple. Mostly I decided to start getting of my ass and exercising more. Like walking the dog, parking farther away, and jogging. I want to work my way up to the Susan G Komen race in September....hopefully. I think if I really start working hard on the weekends I an do it...Kellen said he would too...hopefully so thats that for now...I have class...I will be back soon though..