they leave me no choice...

I'm taking the ASVAB and joining the airforce. Four years is a fair price to pay I guess. To be able to continue what I started at Western. I have been left with one option and I'm running with it. I'm old enough to suck it up and make an independent decision. This one is the means to many ends and I feel its the best one. Thanks a lot for all you support mom and dad. Really...*insert sarcastic laugh*

life sucks

Schools out for summer
looking for a job
begging fin.aid for help
emailing profs desperately
lacking in 5,000 worth of funds that my parents can't afford to borrow
being forced to change my major by my parents so I can go to school...

seriously ...seriously considering joining the navy or airforce for 4yrs of my life so that I can go to school. I don't want to give it up.

I don't want to change my major but I do realize now that my hobby won't give me the job security I need to payback my loans and my parents loans when I graduate. They don't want to sacrifice to support an education that they don't think will get me anywhere. They also don't think I'll be able to pay them back. Forget the fact that I'm a good actress with a lot fo potential, just getting started and forget that I belonged to the best T.P. freshman class in years. Forget that we wowed the faculty. Forget that my gpa is 3.59...It's very possible that I might not be going back to school.

I hate money and bastards that own necklaces and watches that would pay for my education. I hate that I can complain about how unfair it was for society to build me up by saying anyone who want to go to college can over and over and over. They can't. It's not true. My parents refuse to take out loans that will put them 19,000 in dept and me 17,000 in debt of which I have to pay 100% of both.

I went to try and get another private lender student loan today. Ha. My school won't accept a private student loan from Sallie Mae (the kind offered by the banks around here) because they offer me Direct loans. My parents have to take out the PLUS loan for me to go. If they don't, I'm fucked. Disregard the fact that last night 60 minutes did a story on how Sallie Mae is making billions by screwing college students.

For my four years of school I have 1/3 payed for. 24,000 total in scholarships. 3.5 fucking 9. And I have to change my major and consider the military. Fuck it. Fuck it all.

as is life

I smiled ...most of today...

I woke at 113o
earned 11 dollars selling back books
napped on my blanket in the sun in front of my dorm...a squirrel bitched at me
packed everything in my room two days early
called my mom cause i was bored
napped again
hung out with Darren
hung out with Darren and Dave
coffee shopped it with Darren Dave Mk Melissa and then BHC'd it with all + Leann
now I shall sleep...

good days...

ps I am a good actress that has the potential to be great..and I love it!

I love life

and I smiled a lot ....today....yeah....g'night

The last eight days..

So, my birthday was....a bit of a drag. I realized that for the next three years my birthday is going to be the weekend before finals and that I am going to be probably too busy to celebrate or even go home...

As it was I had tons of shit to do, ended up spending the night alone. Planned on celebrating the next night at Gala,(theatre majors prom) and at the afterparty. This was a bust too. I paid five bucks for one coco' rum and coke...then my wingman got worried because of how packed Brock's apartment was. Recently undercover cops have been busting parties and they just slip in. So by the time I was done with my drink, all of 10-15 minutes..we were on our way back to campus. To many bad feelings about it getting busted. So ...my personal party ensued the next day wherein I slept for the entirety of Sunday. Seriously, an entire day.

sunday =I slept until 11 when V woke me up and we went to lunch, the instant I got back I flopped into bed and passed out.(the dregs of remaining mono) My roommate turned out my light and I was awoken at 3 to V asking me to dinner.From 3pm on Sunday until 2 in the morning on Tuesday I had absolutely no sleep. I did all of my final projects and studied my ass off. Then slept from 2-6 this morning . Istudied until my last exam which was from 245-445. I ate dinner and slept from 6-9. So all told I have had 7hrs of sleep in all of the hrs since Sunday. Now I'm bored cause I'm done with exams and I let my dad take my tv and I took my books home, so i either stare at the wall or stay online for hrs....yeah.

I have been so stressed out...these are some things that would make life perfect for the rest of the week that I'm here-'til Friday 630

some lovin'
chocolate
coffee
cinnamon anything
a boy cuddle buddy
movie night with someone
good grades(anything higher than my 3.43 from first semester)
lots of hang out time with the buckets of wonderful that i have made friends with this year. There are so many people to miss. I love my friends here, and they have helped me grow so much and to reach my goals this year....*sad face*

As is life

not again

So...right now it is 4:25am....and I am blogging..while I should be typing either one of the two papers that total 8-14 pages due for tomorrow.

I suck

I just took a shower and I was blow drying my hair in the bathroom as of 4:00..there were some funny stares believe me. So I did some go-go makeup after flipping my hair out and pinning it hot somehow. Now I am prepared for my final scene from In the Boom Boom Room tomorrow at 11:00am, or today rather. Damn. Then at 2:00 I have an exam and paper due. Then at 5:30 I have rehearsal....oh my .....I can't even....I can't handle all nighters like I could last semester. I mean I could stay up 36hrs before and now I'm tired after like 16. I really suck, and I should work on my papers. Grrrr...6 days left.....6 days...6

Pray to whomever for me....pleeeaaaseeee....

The final push..same as my myspace blog

12 days left.. and only 7 are school days....oh yeah..I can feel the rush of freedom ...so close...I can taste it! Then like two weeks of destressing at home and then right to work at a canning factory so that I can pay my bills....ughhhh. I got offered a job at Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp, but they only pay 1300 and I need about 3000 ...so my dream job slips away and I will be wasting away artistically in a factory for like 10hrs a day 6 days a week.....but I'll be able to survive ...maybe..

I'm so excited about the end of this first year...life is pretty good ...I had a birthday/easter party with my bud Steph this last weekend...I baked a cake, burned myself, drank too many rum and cokes, had a bonfire and ate salsa while drunk. Passed out, after drunk dialing one of my best friends....oh lord..good times. There was an easter egg hunt in my aunts yard and we hid like 100-200 eggs. I had dinner at my grandmas... celebrated in my own way the earths rebirth. Ohhh...I didnt really do the constructive homework stuff that I was supposed to do, but I recharged for this final push and now I feel really good about it.

Eat my dust ..and see you at the finish line biotches!!

ohh the torture

So, my dream job is just out of my grasp....I've always wanted to work at a summer camp...So I apply for Blue Lake...and I have a phone interview tomorrow....seriously...camp life ..and theatre...dream job! Problem is that I don't think I can make enough working there to live off of for the next year...

I made a budget that I want to keep

17 $ for freaking pills they make me pay for..
80 $ a month for laundry and groceries..
100$ a month for loan payments to my mother
45 $ I want to get a nextel phone
10$ a month for play money

(all slightly over estimated for safety it comes to 2,524 for a year...)

Camp pays between 1200 and 2200 depending on your year in college...which i will have had one...so I'm on the low end I think...poooooo....

I guess I could ditch my phone idea and get rid of 540 $ but I really ..realllly need one...

I hope I dont end up at the bean factory...although it pays good

muahahhh I beat the beast!

Ps. I love all of you for commenting on my blog....it rocks...I feel more connected to my life now that past and present and all the loves of my life are together...not that I'm near to through with any of you yet...lol...and here's an update.

I did okay at the first showing of my Directing scene today...not as good as we did in the last rehearsal, but it was basically just a viewed rehearsal so no big deal.

My Fall mainstage audition was awesome! Yeah, I'll ignore that there are only like 5 parts that I'm eligble for..and I'll be a sophomore ....whatev...I have improved so much...and I did what my acting prof said and stopped comparing myself to the other actors and just worried about myself and how I was doing compared to me in the past....and it worked! I stopped worrying about comparing myself to others and was better for it....that man is a genius and I love him. Even if he is a bear.

Yeah, now I'm excited for my first final scene showing in Acting on Thursday....yeah

I'm so happy that I'm listening to sappy John Mayer...and I might get to go home this weekend! yeah!!!! ...can you feel the bubbles flowing out of my ears?,....seriously!

another round

Yet again we have come to that wonderful time of year....mainstage auditions...ahhh how I love them...2 one minute monologues...two minutes..you and the faculty....hours of work and rehearsal for two brief minutes.

I can't audition for the musical and one show is already cast, so I am left with "The Lion in Winter, and Crimes of the Heart." Both have very few femal parts and seeing as how I will be a sophomore, it's possible but very unlikely that I will get a part. So I'm just gonna try and have fun with my audition and not be nervous. I thought I had been doing horrible this year, but looking back on it not so much.

I was called back and cast in Cross Colors
Called back for the Doubt directing scene
cast w/out a callback for a Blues for an Alabama Sky scene directed by one of the top actors in our department.

He said "I can't believe I've never seen you in anything before." In my head I was like, "You! You just said that, and your so good that everyone raves about you..you were an ACTF nominee...holy shit!"..but all I said was, "I'm not very good with auditions yet." He got all excited and said, "I know I'm not the best for help or anything but if you ever need anything just gimme a call." Once again in my head I was going, "are you kidding me, ...your like the best male actor at this University and your offering me help?" I was freakig out. More like floating. He told me the reason he picked me without a callback was because when I walked in to auditon before I said anything he chose me because of my confidence. I was one of only two girls who walked in like they owned the place.....sweet

All in all....this year is winding down pretty damn well...17 more days! Yeah!!!

I hate APA format

Fist I would like to note that they're still teaching us MLA in highschool, and all I've used in college so far is APA . It would have been nice to learn both.

Secondly, this week has lasted forever and yet gone by really quickly. Even though its only Wednesday. When someone made a comment about Tuesday today I didn't realize that Tuesday was in fact yesterday.

My week finally starts to slow down as of tonight. Now that my three papers, due Mon. Tues, and Wed. are done, I can look forward to the two then three do in the coming weeks. Plus the three scenes I'm in performing and the two projects I'm in getting done. All in 3 more weeks. Yeah. Oh so busy. I'm coffee shopping it tonight though...so hah!! I finally get to chill....even though this coffee shop visit is kind of an intervention and could go well, or very badly. So I guess I don't get to chill, ....atleast I get to be inside and sitting down? Meh....as is life.

Keep dreaming

damn...

I didn't go, I wasn't prepared, and I didn't go. I missed a very good opportunity because I didn't stay on top of it. If I don't alleviate this problem of mine then I will never make it in theatre....grerrr..what is my problem?..

Oh the woes of acting

So, there is an audition at 12 tomorrow. The stage manager who is a friend of mine asked me if I was auditioning because it's a multicultural show and I'm brown, and you have to be some sort of brown to audition. Yes, ..laugh....it's okay..I do. Anyway I've worked with the director before, but as with most non-mainstage auditions this one just jumped up on me and I am not prepared in the least, and I would rather not go then go and perform horridly. Plus, even though it's a little bit of a benefit to be ethnic, I kind of resent that it gets me parts that other people can't audition for. Grrrrr....

So here it is....I'm going to make out the poss and negs to make a decision because it's 11:18 at night and I am not prepared or off book for this event.

Positives
There are 5 parts and the S.M. said that only like 6 people were auditioning. Good odds if its true.
I do have a little bit of an advantage having worked with Von before. He knows me.
I should never pass up any opportunity.Who knows I could get a part.
It's a mainstage.

Negatives
Not prepared, don't even have two 1 minutes chosen or memorized in the least
I resent the multicultural ethnic casting that I'm getting and only getting
I don't want my unpreparedness to reflect on future auditions if I do suck.
I'm busy as hell and have three papers to write in the next two days, and I have mono that flares up at times.


Oh man,...I guess I'll try, but If I can't get off book by then, then I don't think I will audition...

Birth...

I just deleted any other blog I had so that I could start anew on here, and so that I could keep up with my best friends on here. So this post is actually from four days ago...but it means a lot so I saved it and transplanted it here.

Brand new, clean slate, blank canvas....new beginning. It really doesn't matter what I call it, it all ends up meaning the same thing. Today was supposed to just be a simple trip to the library to return a book....it somehow turned into something else. It felt like spring outside today. Honest spring, with crisp, chilly, humid air that made me shiver and sweat all at the same time. I feel stupid admitting it, but whenever I'm getting ready to do something alone, like going to the library downtown or walking to Rocketstar, I get kind of anxious. The only reason I could covince myself to go today was because I knew I had to go today or my book would be late. I got dressed and even did my hair and put some makeup on, like camo...If I look like the general population ...reasonably unhippy then nobody will bother me. I got on the bus and the ride was usual..boring.

When I got off and hit that air, with the weak spring sunlight fighting to heat the air...I don't know..I just smiled for some reason...I have been bumming and sick for the last couple of weeks and I just felt like no matter what happens I can get through these last couple of weeks at school. I'm tough as fucking nails and I know it....even if I don't sleep and get frazzled as shit....I'm going to finish this year out with a bang. I owe it to myslef to do well. Even if no one else realizes what a big thing it is for me as a first generation college student...even if my parents don't ....I feel like with this one year....I've done something that I never thought I would do...I'm going to a four year University....not a community college, not a doggie grooming school, not working and living at home...(even though those are all respectable things)...I'm 18 and I'm fuckin in college....me..Me

Don't get me wrong I was always a good student...a hell of a procrastinator but a good student none the less. I graduated high school with high honors..oh yeah the golden tassle. I just somehow always thought that I wasn't really college material...I doubted myself. Something I've found that I do way to often. Why the hell can't I find my confidence? I sometimes have little faux bits but I'm an actress I make them look really impressive .
Oh...man....honestly ..I could ramble forever..today was like, a spiritual thing, I don't know....Spring is the rebirth of the earth...and being and earth sign...I think I'm following suit. That's all I can say..

coffee shopping it in vintage velvet.