So, I know that I'm like the worst in the world at leaving huge pauses in journals, blogs, or anything of the sort...but...I don't even know what to....wow.. I came back on a whim, barely remembered my password almost two years later and I can't believe that I remember making this blog and that I only posted like 5 times. What the hell,...I know how awesome it feels to get all the mind puke out of my brain. Why don't I do it? Why do I let these things fester? I've had access to a computer for almost six months and yet I still haven't taken an opportunity to update at all. It makes me kind of pissed off at myself. Even though while I'm typing that I have no doubt that I'm going to get caught up in life again and it will happen again. Ughghgh....
Sad thing is that really I'm online right now so that I feel somehow connected to the outside world. I'm at home on the eve of Christmas eve, by myself....again...all day....by myself...I don't do well when I feel trapped and alone. I go kind of nuts and get really sad. It reminds me of all the fucked up and depressed nights I used to spend hating myself when I was younger. bad sad fucking times...
So here I am...when I should be typing about how much I've grown as a person...which I have, or how much I love my fiance...and Oh I love him....no instead I'm typing about my desperate attempt to reach through cyberspace and touch some other human being. Feel a connection when I'm feeling off the hook.
It's sad to think how many of us do this now a days, and how often. How we literally fling ourselves into a technological abyss and hope to find some kind of direction. Somewhere.
I can't judge....you do it, I do it. We all have a daily ritual at the shrines of myspace and facebook and all the other networking worlds of wonder......crazy
