humanity

So, I got in a yelling match with my husband this weekend. Stupid mostly because we were having a bonfire and were a little loose lipped from alcohol. I would like to note that I am human and therefore flawed. I've been a little miffed at him for like a week and a half and I like to be an emotional rock. So I act like nothing bothers me and then tend to blow up on him. Bad of me, because that's really not a stable way of dealing with things, but also I feel like he knows when I'm miffed at him and usually even why but he just always acts like he's oblivious and then I blow up at him because it seems like he doesn't care about how I really feel. I know everybody fights everybody has issues but when we do it's like worse times 10 because 98 percent of the time we get along great. I mean we can travel together, grocery shop, do projects, even argue about stuff and have fun with it because we know it's dumb to fight and life is to short. So we try to have fun and enjoy each other as much as possible. Most of the time. 

I just mostly want to blog about it because I hate being so mad and hate that I can be like that towards someone I love that much. 

We're good now. We both said we were sorry and why and how it was stupid to fight. I won't lie I hold grudges. I feel bad, but Its hard to get over why you were mad in the first place. I just hate to feel disrespected. I feel like I am a good enough, loving enough, fair enough person to warrant respect. So if I don't get it, it's like the highest betrayel. I don't know sounds childish to say it like that but I know how it makes me feel. If I give someone respect it means they mean something to me and in that way I feel like they owe it to me in return.....ish

urghgh

on Emarosa's cover art

The album is called This is your way out, and the painting is of a tree holding an apple out to someone. When I saw it I thought "this is your way out of Eden." Now I am a compassionate and spiritual person but I'm closer to frickin buddha than I am to Jesus. So this won't be a christian rantisode Eden is purely a recognizable paradise/utopia symbol. Yeah I'm going there again. Every person I think has been in a place before where they have felt uneasy about being exactly where they wanted to be. For some reason the grass is always greener and achieving personal goals just leads to creating more. We are never truly what I guess I would call "Ideally happy,"

Now I'm not saying people aren't happy but it comes back to the fact that people are always wanting.  You got your degree you got your husband you got your dream life everybody's happy for you/but when you were a kid you always wanted to live poor and be free and volunteer all your time to starving kids in africa you saw on tv/wanted to be a firefighter/wanted to rescue whales/ etc....etc...insert unrealistic childhood dream you will probably never completely let go. You now what I mean. 

So I guess in my random art appreciation of an album cover that my hubby put on itunes I conclude that If I was Eve sitting next to the perfect man. In the perfect world with no hunger no pain no worries in life, I can imagine reaching out to an "apple/opportunity," I can see her face, and I can hear her thinking, "I could loose it all,"..but if you have everything known to god, literally, then loss is almost more of a true experience then what you have. You can't appreciate having anything and everything until you experience some kind of loss. Thank you Eve for teaching gratefulness, and appreciation. 

Doesn't make a lot of sense but I got it off my mind at least. 

quote

So there was this quote in the Guideposts or whatever that someone brought to work. It hit me in the right spot and I was pretty determined to blog about it so here we are. It went kind of like this, "Nature doesn't create storms that never end." Pretty much I took it as a response to hardship. Truthfully I've went through hard times but not as hard as some. I've been pretty fortunate and unfortunate in that most of my lives trials have been personal, emotional, individual. Hard to think about even and put into words. 

I can say that I never starved. In college my pantry was pretty thin but even Wheat thins and peanut butter, tuna and blueberry bagels are a feast compared to gruel and rice. I was never neglected or abused as a kid. Never dirty, I went to the dr and the dentist. I had two parents, and a nice house to live in. 

I guess I can get where I'm going with this. Think of a trial, a hardship, a storm in your life as it were. In todays state many, many people can insert such a time. If I think on past hardships like hmm...dropping out of college. Something that truly devastated me. I then try and think of the storms progression. Initially I was in a hurricane. Angry, sad, felt like a failure, like a waste. Of no value. I cried and walked though the days numb. Felt like I had to prove my intelligence and my ethic tenfold because I had no proof of my dedication. No degree. As time went by and distractions came the storm lifted little by little and I picked up the pieces. I have pride in myself as a person and not so much as a piece of paper or an achievement. I live day to day still dreaming and missing it but living life and not pitying myself anymore. Lately as the day I was supposed to graduate has come and gone the rain has quickened and subsided once again. 

I do think that I can take comfort in the cliche, "everything happens for a reason," Like my grandma has always said. I think that where the world is now. If I had accomplished what I initially wanted to then I would be in a very bad spot. When the economy suffers the people that suffer first and worst are the artists. Art is frivolous and when you have to eat you can't be so interested in museums, galleries, concerts, performances. So I would have gotten that theatre degree and come back to live at home in my small town, searched for a job and ended up exactly where I am now at the only factory in town usually hiring. I would be back at factory job square one like I was in 2006, today. 

Having lived through this behemoth of a storm I can say that It was a huge setback but the clouds have lifted and this isn't the end. Yeah I still don't really like where I am but I can work towards something else when I figure out what that something else is. Trials and tribulations come and go, they might scar us but we can recover. In all reality it's the rain that brings rebirth to the world. Think about it.

Individuals

I'm back on blogger, probably for as sparse a time as I have been in the last four years but I feel really wrecked emotionally today so I reset my password and climbed back on the feeling sorry for myself bandwagon.

I hate my job. I hate that I'm a hypocrite and that I have ranted about human wastes of air and space and now I have become one. I've always said that the relationships you have and the people that you really connect to equate to the mark you leave in the world. Yet I've wrestled my circle of people down to a mere few. I mean having a few people around that matter to you is more important than constantly being part of a meaningless crowd but,...I shouldn't have let so many people that mean something to me slip away so easily. People are worth more than that. I mean I hope that I am. ugh

A pound of flesh for paradise....these are lyrics that wreck my mind. In many ways. I read this and interpret it as, all the pieces of yourself that you have to sacrifice to have something you think is ideal. Utopian. Right. I don't know and I'm sure that no one will understand but, I've lost many soul appendages In the last nine years. I've given pieces of myself away, exchanged them for things that I thought would be better. I'm just like any other person in the search for their true self.  Suppression of parts of yourself gains you entry to other worlds. When you want to leave you can't seem to pull them back up to the surface.

I want to be a better me. I want to be a better friend, I want to have more friends. I want to have more of myself back. I want to be a better lover. I want you to want me....I want me to want me back again. I just want.....but don't we all.