Bread without butter

I am still here..its October. I am still in love with my husband. He says he misses me too, but hes afraid to do anything about it because so much has happened. He doubts that we can repair and heal from what has happened in any sort of healthy way. I don't think we are beyond repair. I truly believe that the first day of the rest of your life is tomorrow. You can decide to do whatever you want with it every morning. You just have to have the heart. If two people love each other like we do and if I have this much forgiveness in my heart. I know that if we both agreed to take another look that we would fall back together. Missing him is like having bread without butter, coffee without creamer, peanut butter without chocolate, sweet without salt. All of the above and so much more. I think of him in every action and every moment of every day. Not because I need him, not because life was easier before. Not just for my son to have married parents.

I want my best friend back. I want to be whole in someones arms again. I want to breathe him in, and to hear his heart beat when I fall asleep. I want to watch him make coffee with his feet turned in and a blanket wrapped around his whole body. I want to watch him sitting in positions that would ruin anyone else. I want to chat with him about random things and to watch his eyes light up when he gets to surprise me with some tidbit. I want to be able to tell him that I believe in him, that I love him, and that I'm there for him whenever I want to. I want to tuck our son into bed together. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. He is me and I am him.

People may not understand and may call me crazy but I really believe that there are many matches out there for each of us, but only one true match. The true match will challenge and inspire you to be the best person you could ever be for them. I think that I was lucky enough to meet my true match this early in my life. I just hope so desperately that he gets his strength of heart back before its too late. It kills me to see him so depressed all the time and to not be able to touch him. I really hope he hears me when I tell him that he is my everything. My restless day, my sleepless night, my uneaten dinner. My quiet moments, my blank stares. He consumed me years ago and he does still. My heart is empty. It refuses to feel love until he is replaced in the spot he has held for who knows how many lifetimes. I would rather be in the most amazing relationship ever that grew out of straight hell than in any easy relationship that hasn't been tried and tested. I feel like we can do this...I wish I could help him believe it. If he thinks he messed up then I hope he realizes that he can still fix it. All he has to do is fight. For me, for us, for himself. You make your own happiness, and you decide your own fate.

I love him, from the first absolutely comfortable and joyous moment ..we are linked for a reason...let it be known