Muddled

I just read my last post..twice. I can't sleep right now because my mind is running like crazy. The fake and crazy girl that "wasn't his girlfriend," is gone. I missed my husband and I told him so. I know he misses my friendship. I don't know really how he feels and I wish he would tell me. We have hung out a couple times..and the oddest thing has happened. We laugh and have a good time like we used to. I don't know if there is any love left in his heart for me. I guess the most I can let myself hope for is that this means we will be able to get along.

Obviously I hope for much more. What women wouldn't. I still love him and I don't give a half a shit what anyone else thinks about our situation. If you haven't lived it from inside one of the two of us then you don't know anything.  I know that most people these days don't take the "for better or for worse," seriously when they say it. I meant it with all my heart. I know how much has been lost, but I can't keep thinking....what is six months.. to take the hardest, longest look at your relationship and really decide what will make you happy. If you have the rest of your life six months is worth it. If I can have my family and my love back..even if I die 6 months from now. Going through this last hardest six months of my life will have been worth it.

It takes strength beyond measure in todays world to say, "I don't quit, ..I don't give up on us." Especially when the other person does. I hope he realizes that. I have been here, and I will still be here.
If this all ends in January...then I will let go.

You may call me weak. Would you fight with everything you have to save your family?...To kiss someone you love again. Would you stand by someone through the hardest time of their life, even if it absorbed them and they pushed you away? I am...I will...I want my husband back. I want him to push the hair out of my face and kiss me. I am doing the unthinkable...I am from Generation Divorce...we quit 50% of the time. I am taking myself out of the we and I am going to do everything I can to rebuild my relationship. The foundation will always be strong...we'll see if I can make my best friend love me again.

Doubt-fire

I need a new beginning...

Not only because I am getting a divorce, but because I think that more than I have ever doubted anyone..I have doubted myself. My whole life.

It's hard to say,...almost impossible to admit to myself that it's true.

I have never felt good enough...for people...for success...for my family..I have always felt that no matter how hard I try or how much I do that I won't do or be good enough. It never bothered me when I was younger because I guess I grew up feeling that way and accepted it as a fact.

I graduated with high honors...but at one point I knew, absolutely knew in my heart that I wouldn't get accepted to college. Where I got that from I have no idea. I just thought I wasn't as smart, as driven, as dedicated as all of the talented people I loved. My second rate self could never get accepted. That's why I never applied to MSU...I auditioned for WMU because it was safe funny as that sounds. I thought I would never get in there either. I have doubted myself so much...and held myself back so much...it makes me soooooo SAD

I don't now, but when I was younger I always felt like a third wheel. Every great and best friend that I have ever had, has had one more best friend. I have never been part of a twosome. I always felt like the friend who could get amputated and the rest of the body would go on no problem. None of this was my friends faults. I just doubted how much I meant to people.

I often doubted that my husband appreciated me and that I was a good enough wife...a great enough woman...I'm sure that's a small part of why I ended up not being good enough.

I don't know I'm having a hard time putting words to what I am truly discovering about myself right now. I know that I need to discover the confidence that lives in me.

I held back in college because I knew that I wasn't a good actress, I felt like I was so lucky to be there. I  missed out with some people that could have been great friends..not just good friends, because I was envious of the talent that I believed they possessed and I did not.

I just know that the one thing I finally do have confidence in is being a mother. I have never doubted myself there. From the moment my son was put in my arms I knew that I was going to be a great mother.

I hope that I can get some homework done after this and I hope that I can really get this going and believe in myself and the success that I want with this schooling...I know in my heart that I can do it...I just know that with everything else that I'm going through that right now my hear isn't really in it.

I feel like a giant jumble of thorny vines and like I have to delicately untangle and trim and weave them toward the goals that I am striving for. It will be tedious. It will be tough. The first step is having this moment right now...this lightbulb.

I didn't know that I was holding myself back so much...now I do...and now I move on ....

Generation Divorce

So..8 months ago I was so geeked to be posting about my son and school and I think that I sounded hopeful...I wish I could go back 8 months and tell myself what was to come.

I'm sitting here listening to some of my old tunes..lots of sappy shit basically...and crying too so forgive the typos..Not that anyone reads this hidden web diary of mine anyway. I just needed to get this out of me right now or I may just combust...I have nothing..and nobody....I  miss his smell and his soft skin...and the way that he used to pull me in under his blanket in the kitchen and kiss me good morning

I'm getting divorced. Which sucks...a lot...and not for the reasons that you may think. I always assumed that if you got divorced that it was pretty mutual and that people hated each other or were just so far divided that they couldn't give two shits anymore so they split.

That's not my case...I still love my husband...like I love him so much that it kills me to wake up and realize where I am every morning...that I will never wake up to him again...that we'll never go on a date again..watch a game together again..I miss his smell...I miss his soft skin...his voice..his smile most of all...I'm pissed that he got me pregnant and then just stopped loving me...I'm pissed that I have to see him for our sons sake forever pretty much...I wish I could move away and never see him or anyone he is associated with ever again. It wouldn't matter..I would still miss him. After 5 years together he became my world...and I see him in every activity of every day. everything that I do for my son that I could use help with I do alone. I see couples at the store with their kids and I want to cry. Here I am with my son I love so much, and someday he will ask me what the hell I did to make his dad stop loving me. I think he will blame me...Not knowing how hard it was for me to make a life for us out of nothing...how hard it is to do everything without the support I had planned on having..I would never have chosen to do this by myself..I never thought in a million years that we out of all people would be getting a divorce....I was blindsided...I thought we were both stronger than this..that we were both worth more to each other...He used to say that he never knew happiness..never knew love until me....I didn't think he was lying to me when he said it....how does something like that change..

my husband wouldn't make time for me...he slowly drifted farther and farther away for reasons that he wouldn't even tell me until it was too late. I knew it was coming,...it breaks my heart to think about it. First he stopped coming up to bed when he got home from work. Then he stopped kissing me goodbye on his way out the door...and I knew it was over when he stopped saying he loved me. We promised years ago that if it ever wasn't true, we would stop saying it. The day before I walked out the door with no job and a 5 month old baby I sat with him in his chair and wrapped my arms around him and told him how much I loved him and he wouldn't hug me back. I have nightmares consistently now where in half he loves the hell out of me like he used to and then all of a sudden he just keeps pushing me away from him...It hurts just as if it were really happening. Even after I wake up. Screw that ..it hurts all day long..every time I breathe it hurts to exist without him....He made me better than I have ever been...and now I have been reduced to the one that got in the way.....God....and he already has a girlfriend...our son just turned 9 months old...I moved out in March...we decided to get divorced two months ago and he already has a girlfriend.....I want to stab him simply because I wanted him to have to pay a little for the pain he continues to cause me...but no...I get to sit and cry and starve because I can't eat...and go crazy because i can't sleep...and he gets to be with somebody....and I know that he doesn't miss me....What hurts the most is that he can look me in the eye and say he's over it...and I believe him...I must have meant so little..to have been discarded so easily...and I know ...I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life that we could have had if we had worked out our problems..I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life and happiness he deserves...If he had been strong enough to not just give up and give in.....we would have made it all the way...I would have given anything ...worked my ass off and been so open and honest and understanding...I would never have just ...quit.

Like he did on me..

I am from Generation Divorce...we are the generation that gets a new  relationship when we have to put to much effort into the one we have...we are the generation that treats people like they mean and are worth nothing...we break up families and friends and pets because we think its okay, everybody does it so it must be. We are the generation that lets work, money and everybody but our partner define our relationship. We let things build up inside us until the resentment created burns the love out of our hearts...We are the generation that is making love something that is intermittent....fleeting...impermanent ...We have taken marriage too lightly because we believe that divorce is our way out ....Instead of getting married with the intentions of spending lifetimes together.

If I had a choice..If I had been given a chance to ...hell....If he had let me in and told me what was going on from his end....before the baby....If I hadn't left that day....If I hadn't taken my ring off....If he had asked me out for my birthday like he was going to ...if I had never made two or three of the twenty phone calls..

If I had had the balls to show up at the house two weeks after I left like I wanted to..If I had had the balls to tell him how much he really meant to me..If I had had the strength ....I go over all the things I could have should have done every day.....and they won't make any difference now....It's over....and no matter how much it hurts....no matter how destroyed I am....It's still over....

Falling into and filling in the gaps

So I find it pretty funny that ten days after my last post I found out that I was pregnant. I told my hubby that I got him a late Christmas and early bday present. Now my baby boy is 6 weeks old and I can't believe all that has gone on in the last 11 months since my last post. Life is good, marriage is hard work but always worth it. The boy is amazing and I still can't really grasp that I'm his mother for the rest of my life. Crazy. I'm not going to go the community college route anymore because it will cost way more than the distance learning program and I will end up with only a certificate. If I go through AVMA accredited Penn Foster I will get an associates degree. Much more to my liking and about a fifth of the price. So hopefully I can figure out a way to spend as much time as possible raising my own son and also following my dreams. I'm still struggling sometimes to not be absorbed by life. I want to be an active participant in the world and not just existing in it. I think that as with everything growth is only gotten through the struggle so I guess bring on the struggles. I'm a tough snickerdoodle.

Grapplehook

Sometimes I wish I could reach through the infomindpuke of the internet and actually connect with someone intellectually for once. I mean don't we all spill our useless to anyone else mind funk out there hoping to have someone nodding or laughing or crying on the other end. Or maybe we like leaving it to the safety of the abyss. I'm not quite sure where I stand just yet. I'm on the precipice of the abyss flinging my grapple hook and hoping someone will catch it and set it neatly on the other side so maybe I can fumble my way across to meet them. Or pull them in with me, ...who knows?

Torrential Outpour

I feel misunderstood, or uncommunicative or, unheard. I'm not sure exactly which it is but I know I feel like crap. I talk, nobody listens, sometimes I feel like I would just prefer not speaking for days. Nobody can ignore you if your not speaking in the first place. Mostly I'm just run down because I keep trying to eek out precious minutes of time with my husband and I know he loves me but he just doesn't seem to want to make time for me. We work conflicting shifts, I work a ten and he works eight. We wake each other up half way through our nights any way we try to make things work. I feel like he thinks I have it easy because he's home already when I get home but its actually harder for me I think. I'm a lighter sleeper and I work more hrs, I get home and usually have to do something (cook,clean,run errands) He plays madden and throws some laundry in and falls asleep. It's making me slightly resent him that I don't seem him for days, he doesn't do as much as he used too and he's home longer than I am. All I ask is to maybe see him every third day for like and hour. Maybe some booty once in awhile, I mean how else are we ever going to have a baby. Grrrr. When I do see him he's grouchy. Then I'm grouchier the next time I see him. It's a descending spiral. He likes his new job, I'm not mad he took it. I just think we could figure out a better system, or he maybe could get on an actual schedule instead of doing whatever it is he does. I'm sick of him saying I'm always yelling at him. I wouldn't be so upset if he didn't act like he was the only one missing sleep and affected by this schedule issue. I just wait for the weekends and hope they come soon enough. Or I escape to the coffee shop because I can't stand to be mad at home while hes sleeping. Then I go home and sleep on the couch. I am bitter as cheap coffee.

Exodus

I can tell that the last couple of times I blogged (months ago) I was in a pretty sad and angry spot. I'm happy to report to my nonexistent followers that I'm in a much better place now. I'm still a chubby bunny and I never ran my race...my hubby's back went out and I can't run in the summer in the hours I'm out of work, it's way too hot...this is the second year in a row I've started up in the spring and been running really well, then it gets crazy hot and I quit...I need a treadmill. Screw that, I mean I'm pretty over being chubby..whatev..

After some panic over the program I'm trying to get into potentially getting cut because of the economy, budget cuts..blahblahblah..the school I want to transfer too has decided to keep it on tentatively..now I'm having a hard time getting my three math classes and bio done and working 40 plus hours of third shift all at the same time to get in...especially because taking one at a time I'm paying for them and getting screwed..but it's all I have time for and since they're sequential I can only do so much at a time..but I sure am trying..

In other news I'm on cloud nine lately...work is work and I'm doing o.k. there but life is great...hubby and I celebrated two years in Oct, and we are really doing well. We really are a great team, we complement each other and he's like the creamer in my coffee. We're thinking about kids a lot lately because he's 26 and it just seems like if we keep waiting for the right time that we're gonna wait forever...you can never truly be ready and prepared 100%

But enough about that I'm really excited about the fact that I've started writing again...so far It's not as easy and flowing of a process as it used to be but I banged out about two or three pages of a story I thought up while driving today and other than my inevitable stream of thought style that I have to combat and break up into tangible sentences it sounds pretty good. I'm just happy to be creating again...I used to paint, act, and write poetry...I used to daydream artistically dammit and somewhere along the way i let myself be consumed by things I had to do and stopped doing things I like to do...

Well I'm putting and end to it now....I'm better than unconscious existence....I am better than baseline getting by...I deserve to do things that bring me joy and that challenge me...

So I'm gonna...maybe I'll post some soon

running

So I've rediscovered running and I love it again...although im much slower and chubbier now...I've run three times with my dog Parker and he loves it as much as i do....yeah being in shape..

Chubby Bunny

This will be a brief, breaking myself back in post....my hubby started calling me chubby bunny..... He says he meant nothing by it and thinks its cute. I think that maybe i should take a hint. If your five foot three and you gain 5-7 pounds you feel like you gained twenty....literally. So April first I decided that I would make a serious effort to not gain any more and to start loosing a couple. Mostly I decided to start getting of my ass and exercising more. Like walking the dog, parking farther away, and jogging. I want to work my way up to the Susan G Komen race in September....hopefully. I think if I really start working hard on the weekends I an do it...Kellen said he would too...hopefully so thats that for now...I have class...I will be back soon though..

Don't you absolutletly hate that

I did it again, I blew up again, and made people angry, but seriously I will not stand back and let my life be eaten away even if its grain by sand grain. When I feel like there's an injustice I'm gonna let you know. When you say something wrong and it hurts me, I'm going to let you know. When you do something that irks me over and over again, then I know your not sorry and you don't get it....and last but not least......when I look to my side over and over again and you're not there......I'm just ....alone....And I didn't sign up to be alone....

volcano's

S0 lately I have this extremely explosive attitude. Not necessarily a good one. I don't know what the deal is but I find myself getting really, really mad about tiny little things. It's like I can step outside and see myself fuming and I know it's ridiculous but I can't stop myself. When Lava hits the water it creates steam and stone and I feel like when I get upset I harden like that. Unless I unleash something I become this stone cold rocky person. It's upsetting. I don't like being so angry all the time. Mostly I'm reminded of how I was in middle school and early high school. I was this outsider, this lonely, extremely sad, despondent. I was unattached from everything. I feel like I'm sliding down this steep ridge toward a cycle of that mentality again. 

One minute I can be completely satisfied and happy and at ease. Then something triggers this feeling of withdrawal. Like I don't need people or there stupid feelings. I hate it when they upset me so I try to get away from them so they can't. It's like I'm trying to be a party of one. I don't want people near me and I don't want to be concerned about them either. I know this sounds very unhealthy. My only relief is my love. He seems to be the only one who can pull me back in and either kiss me or give me a slap in the brain. He makes me feel worthwhile. He brings me back to reality. I know that I'm really just extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and worried that I'm making wrong decisions about life.  I feel like the sky is edging down to press on the back of my head. Trying to force me to kneel and break down.  I've always had this strength of person and I know that I can shrug this off. I just feel like somehow I let people down all too often and that when shit hits the fan or gets bad or my relationship hits a rough spot it always seems that I'm the one at fault. If we get behind on bills or can't afford groceries it's going to be my fault for going back to school. Punishment for only trying to better myself. 

I need to stop, now I'm just feeling sorry for myself and bitchin....I wish I could breathe in this tight spot I've put myself in.

The fates

So its been a proven point that when I'm struggling with something in life the fates jump right in and do something crazy. I've been fighting a pretty nasty internal battle lately. Fighting with a truth that I've found out about myself. I know that I am a pretty bad friend. Not all the time, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in me that I just detach and withdraw and avoid life. It's definitely a really bad thing to do, but what can I say I'm frickin human. Humans are flawed. Some more than others. Sometimes I'm sure that I'm one of the others.

I feel like when I review my childhood I tend to see things how I want to. Like my best childhood friend. She was my one constant. The only one who then and now never judged me or abandoned me. Who wasn't material or wishwashy. She stayed with me, even when we drifted apart and together the many times that we did. Though I feel that she's still with me. Even now. 

Trouble is that I haven't spoken to her in ages because I feel like we have grown into two totally different people with different lifestyles. I have this stupid assumption that I don't really deserve her unwavering friendship. I was the one who drifted and didn't keep in touch. I was the one who got jealous of the new friends she found when I went awry. I was the one who cried at her wedding not only because I was so happy for her, but also because I hadn't been there for her, hadn't done my part and didn't deserve the spot standing at her side.  

Crazy thing is that she is never far from my mind. I miss her, and think of her often. I wonder how she's doing. I hope that she wonders about me. I feel the love that I do for her that I share for few people.

Here is where the fates come in. I heard a tidbit about her life at work on thursday and it was some pretty exciting news that I heard only because of a grapevine. So she was on my mind and in my heart again. Then she jumped up behind me at the store yesterday and turned my world on its side. I miss her and there she is. Huhhh..

Irresponisble bastards

I want to bitch about irresponsible pet owners today. I'm on a soapbox bear with me. I own two dogs;a beagle mix that was adopted from one shelter deemed unhoustrainable and abused and returned to another shelter all before he was 4 months old, and a pit bull mix that is the sweetest and most well trained/do anything to please you dog I've ever met. Pretty much I want to talk about him today.

I own a pit. So what. Some people think that owning a pit bull is like keeping a loaded gun around. Not the truth. I would worry more about my beagle biting someone than I would about my pit, and not because Pudge is mean. He is wary of strangers because of the people who used to beat him every time he peed. It's hard to learn to trust and to recover when you were beaten for a bodily function as a baby. So my sad, loving, slow to trust little beagle isn't mean. I just have to watch him around complete strangers because if they don't give him time to adjust and to trust, he would prefer to hide from them. Part of the reason we adopted Pudge is because he was so cute despite the hurt behind his eyes and the fact that he had a note on his kennel card about being returned as unhousetrainable. I knew no one else would be willing to tackle that issue. So my hubby and I took him in and he was housetrained in mere weeks.

Okay back on topic now. I've had Parker since he was 9 weeks old. I had him for all of the prime socialization periods in his puppyhood and you better be damn sure that I took him to animal friendly stores, flyball competitions, and many family get togethers with many other dogs and little kids to get used to being around. I taught him to sit at 9 weeks old and since he has learned every command you learn at basic obediance and a few cute tricks to boot. He loves fetch and he has an intense focus and willingness to please. He loves to lay upside down and give me kisses while I coo at him in nonsensical murmers that my hubby calls our retards in love talk. I literally love this dog like a son and a brother. I trust him with anyone. He is so well trained that having never met a cat before he accepted not only one but two to be adopted into our home in a six month period with no fuss, no aggression and no sweat. Not to mention that the 15 pound tom cat is his best friend and cuddle buddy.

I can't believe all the complete idiots that I see week after week on Animal Planet that have to give their dogs up because they're to aggressive or they attacked a person or a dog. I am so sad and hurt when I see pitbulls seized from fighting rings only to be put to sleep for having been taught to kill or because they are a banned breed in the city. I think that banning a particular breed is ridiculous. I think that there shuld be a pure and simple no aggressive dogs law and thats it. You should have to be responsible for your pet. Wether it's a golden retriever or a doberman. Not only are pitbulls banned in many major cities but they are also becoming one of the most prominent in shelters and irresponsible breeders kennels. People need to get a friggin clue. Just like pulling the trigger on a loaded gun is a choice, it is every dog owners choice to either train and socialize their animal or not. Do the right thing becuase they depend on us and they are our responsibility. If I see you with an overly muscular, spke collared, ears cropped, untrained dog straining to get at someoneor someone's pet from the end of dragging you on a leash you better bet I'm going to call you out.

before i go

I just want to say something to no one really about what it's like to be me. Mostly because I've been feeling stretched out and snappy about defending myself so often lately. Get over it. I can't help who I am. Stop making gay jokes at my expense.

I'm married, monogamous and happy with that. Very happy actually. I've also been bisexual since oh as long as I can remember, probably since I was born. I didn't really recognize that I was different for liking girls until early high school. Before that I almost didn't realize it and definitely didn't talk about it because it was way too weird for me. Other girls never thought about girls. I stayed quiet and closed up mostly because of my family. They're all pretty open minded, but also pretty damn old fashioned and really traditional. So until I really got immersed in an environment were people could have cared less I didn't talk to anyone about it. I've heard from many people that they don't believe me or that they never knew or that I'm not gay anymore because I married a man. ughhg. I'm bisexual, I always will be. Duh.

I was never really that girly, I had no sisters and was raised by a lineage of strong unwavering, hardworking women. We all like to do for ourselves rather than to have others do for us. I truly believe, like most lgbt that you are born and not made how you are. I rode quads and dirtbikes and ran through the woods barefoot as a kid. I loved getting dirty and being outside. I can only remember being girly I guess when it was appropriate. I never played with dolls unless someone else wanted me to. I played horses or crawled around like a dog. I never really had a boyfriend. One in middle school and none in high school. In high school I had just as many girl crushes as I did guy crushes. Didn't act on either. My one year at college I had a 3 week long flingy thing with one guy and went on one date with another guy, I was scared of lesbians because they were all out to there families and proud of just being themselves. Not my story. I was almost ashamed to be myself. How horribly sad that sounds.

There are these guys at work who know I dated a girl before I met my husband and they constantly make jokes and little jabs at me and tell me I'm being too sensitive when I get mad about it. They have no idea what it's like being me. When you live an alternative lifestyle your essentially on the radar all the time. When I dated a girl I couldn't go to dinner, go to the store, hold her hand in public without someone doing a double take or making a lewd ass comment. Guys are pigs. It's definitely gotten a lot easier to be out in todays world, but it still isn't easy.

So I really get pissed when people make me feel like less of a person or try to talk to me like I'm just confused.

I'm not confused. I love my husband. Period. I also can't help that I still find women attractive. Just like straight married people who's eyes wander. I'm monogamous and I would never want to be one of those people who was like, "I need both in my life to be fulfilled," because I don't. I can't however stop being gay. I relate to that lifestyle and lesbian and gay people too. Sometimes I miss being around people who are free with who they are and who don't give a fu&$ who I am. That's all. 

I'm done ranting,...It's just gotten me way more worked up about the situation. I hate that.

School and such

So yesterday I got my, "hey your accepted like almost everyone is into our community college" letter. I was excited,....and scared shitless all at the same time.

We have our furnace situation taken care of. We had to take out a loan but at least we have one and now we wont die from carbon monoxide poisoning. Yeah. We're going to refinance our house too so that will save us money as well as saving a lot of money on propane. So I think all that stuff will all balance out. Kellen's making a little bit more at work for as long as this new position lasts too. I'm just worried about our vehicle situation staying stable and also about getting a job that will last and be flexible enough for me to go to school and pay my bills. I'm signed up for the spring so I have to sign up in Nov and go in Jan. this runs me into the seasonal hiring so I'm starting to look right now because all the kids are going back to school from the part time jobs. wish me luck. 

I am super glad that I got off my ass and finally got the ball rolling. If I don't go back now then I know I probably never will. I don't want to work where I am anymore. A factory is definitely not my calling. 

I'm kind of freaking out though because I'm so filled with anxiety about trying to go back and how long it will take me and what if I can't make enough money and I have to drop out again. It would really suck to fail twice. So many responsibilities but I also have a responsibility to myself to have a happy fulfilling life and I have been getting soul sucked by my job a lot lately.

Oh, shit I just feel a lot of things. Like...I'm willing to work every hour that I'm not at school and to live on hot dogs and mac n cheese for a chance to do something worthwhile with myself. I just need to give myself some credit for once.

humanity

So, I got in a yelling match with my husband this weekend. Stupid mostly because we were having a bonfire and were a little loose lipped from alcohol. I would like to note that I am human and therefore flawed. I've been a little miffed at him for like a week and a half and I like to be an emotional rock. So I act like nothing bothers me and then tend to blow up on him. Bad of me, because that's really not a stable way of dealing with things, but also I feel like he knows when I'm miffed at him and usually even why but he just always acts like he's oblivious and then I blow up at him because it seems like he doesn't care about how I really feel. I know everybody fights everybody has issues but when we do it's like worse times 10 because 98 percent of the time we get along great. I mean we can travel together, grocery shop, do projects, even argue about stuff and have fun with it because we know it's dumb to fight and life is to short. So we try to have fun and enjoy each other as much as possible. Most of the time. 

I just mostly want to blog about it because I hate being so mad and hate that I can be like that towards someone I love that much. 

We're good now. We both said we were sorry and why and how it was stupid to fight. I won't lie I hold grudges. I feel bad, but Its hard to get over why you were mad in the first place. I just hate to feel disrespected. I feel like I am a good enough, loving enough, fair enough person to warrant respect. So if I don't get it, it's like the highest betrayel. I don't know sounds childish to say it like that but I know how it makes me feel. If I give someone respect it means they mean something to me and in that way I feel like they owe it to me in return.....ish

urghgh

on Emarosa's cover art

The album is called This is your way out, and the painting is of a tree holding an apple out to someone. When I saw it I thought "this is your way out of Eden." Now I am a compassionate and spiritual person but I'm closer to frickin buddha than I am to Jesus. So this won't be a christian rantisode Eden is purely a recognizable paradise/utopia symbol. Yeah I'm going there again. Every person I think has been in a place before where they have felt uneasy about being exactly where they wanted to be. For some reason the grass is always greener and achieving personal goals just leads to creating more. We are never truly what I guess I would call "Ideally happy,"

Now I'm not saying people aren't happy but it comes back to the fact that people are always wanting.  You got your degree you got your husband you got your dream life everybody's happy for you/but when you were a kid you always wanted to live poor and be free and volunteer all your time to starving kids in africa you saw on tv/wanted to be a firefighter/wanted to rescue whales/ etc....etc...insert unrealistic childhood dream you will probably never completely let go. You now what I mean. 

So I guess in my random art appreciation of an album cover that my hubby put on itunes I conclude that If I was Eve sitting next to the perfect man. In the perfect world with no hunger no pain no worries in life, I can imagine reaching out to an "apple/opportunity," I can see her face, and I can hear her thinking, "I could loose it all,"..but if you have everything known to god, literally, then loss is almost more of a true experience then what you have. You can't appreciate having anything and everything until you experience some kind of loss. Thank you Eve for teaching gratefulness, and appreciation. 

Doesn't make a lot of sense but I got it off my mind at least. 

quote

So there was this quote in the Guideposts or whatever that someone brought to work. It hit me in the right spot and I was pretty determined to blog about it so here we are. It went kind of like this, "Nature doesn't create storms that never end." Pretty much I took it as a response to hardship. Truthfully I've went through hard times but not as hard as some. I've been pretty fortunate and unfortunate in that most of my lives trials have been personal, emotional, individual. Hard to think about even and put into words. 

I can say that I never starved. In college my pantry was pretty thin but even Wheat thins and peanut butter, tuna and blueberry bagels are a feast compared to gruel and rice. I was never neglected or abused as a kid. Never dirty, I went to the dr and the dentist. I had two parents, and a nice house to live in. 

I guess I can get where I'm going with this. Think of a trial, a hardship, a storm in your life as it were. In todays state many, many people can insert such a time. If I think on past hardships like hmm...dropping out of college. Something that truly devastated me. I then try and think of the storms progression. Initially I was in a hurricane. Angry, sad, felt like a failure, like a waste. Of no value. I cried and walked though the days numb. Felt like I had to prove my intelligence and my ethic tenfold because I had no proof of my dedication. No degree. As time went by and distractions came the storm lifted little by little and I picked up the pieces. I have pride in myself as a person and not so much as a piece of paper or an achievement. I live day to day still dreaming and missing it but living life and not pitying myself anymore. Lately as the day I was supposed to graduate has come and gone the rain has quickened and subsided once again. 

I do think that I can take comfort in the cliche, "everything happens for a reason," Like my grandma has always said. I think that where the world is now. If I had accomplished what I initially wanted to then I would be in a very bad spot. When the economy suffers the people that suffer first and worst are the artists. Art is frivolous and when you have to eat you can't be so interested in museums, galleries, concerts, performances. So I would have gotten that theatre degree and come back to live at home in my small town, searched for a job and ended up exactly where I am now at the only factory in town usually hiring. I would be back at factory job square one like I was in 2006, today. 

Having lived through this behemoth of a storm I can say that It was a huge setback but the clouds have lifted and this isn't the end. Yeah I still don't really like where I am but I can work towards something else when I figure out what that something else is. Trials and tribulations come and go, they might scar us but we can recover. In all reality it's the rain that brings rebirth to the world. Think about it.

Individuals

I'm back on blogger, probably for as sparse a time as I have been in the last four years but I feel really wrecked emotionally today so I reset my password and climbed back on the feeling sorry for myself bandwagon.

I hate my job. I hate that I'm a hypocrite and that I have ranted about human wastes of air and space and now I have become one. I've always said that the relationships you have and the people that you really connect to equate to the mark you leave in the world. Yet I've wrestled my circle of people down to a mere few. I mean having a few people around that matter to you is more important than constantly being part of a meaningless crowd but,...I shouldn't have let so many people that mean something to me slip away so easily. People are worth more than that. I mean I hope that I am. ugh

A pound of flesh for paradise....these are lyrics that wreck my mind. In many ways. I read this and interpret it as, all the pieces of yourself that you have to sacrifice to have something you think is ideal. Utopian. Right. I don't know and I'm sure that no one will understand but, I've lost many soul appendages In the last nine years. I've given pieces of myself away, exchanged them for things that I thought would be better. I'm just like any other person in the search for their true self.  Suppression of parts of yourself gains you entry to other worlds. When you want to leave you can't seem to pull them back up to the surface.

I want to be a better me. I want to be a better friend, I want to have more friends. I want to have more of myself back. I want to be a better lover. I want you to want me....I want me to want me back again. I just want.....but don't we all. 

...speechless?...

So, I know that I'm like the worst in the world at leaving huge pauses in journals, blogs, or anything of the sort...but...I don't even know what to....wow.. I came back on a whim, barely remembered my password almost two years later and I can't believe that I remember making this blog and that I only posted like 5 times. What the hell,...I know how awesome it feels to get all the mind puke out of my brain. Why don't I do it? Why do I let these things fester? I've had access to a computer for almost six months and yet I still haven't taken an opportunity to update at all. It makes me kind of pissed off at myself. Even though while I'm typing that I have no doubt that I'm going to get caught up in life again and it will happen again. Ughghgh....

Sad thing is that really I'm online right now so that I feel somehow connected to the outside world. I'm at home on the eve of Christmas eve, by myself....again...all day....by myself...I don't do well when I feel trapped and alone. I go kind of nuts and get really sad. It reminds me of all the fucked up and depressed nights I used to spend hating myself when I was younger. bad sad fucking times...

So here I am...when I should be typing about how much I've grown as a person...which I have, or how much I love my fiance...and Oh I love him....no instead I'm typing about my desperate attempt to reach through cyberspace and touch some other human being. Feel a connection when I'm feeling off the hook.

It's sad to think how many of us do this now a days, and how often. How we literally fling ourselves into a technological abyss and hope to find some kind of direction. Somewhere.

I can't judge....you do it, I do it. We all have a daily ritual at the shrines of myspace and facebook and all the other networking worlds of wonder......crazy