So bad and Oh so good.

The date happened...It was very tame. Very safe. I enjoyed myself. We both said we had not only a good date but good days leading up to the date. The next weekend he invited me over to watch movies and we ordered our favorite pizza. It was comfortable and I felt relaxed for the first time in so many months. He looked calm, and smiled more than I have seen in a long time. I ended up staying the night....it hasn't complicated things. Other than now my body misses him more then my mind does at times. I know..tmi..anyway. Right now we are having a text off because I asked him to call me and he didn't. Sometimes he acts like he is coming around and remembering what we had before the depression destroyed us. Sometimes he doesn't. I don't know, hope is a dangerous thing but I still keep a smidge locked up in here.

There are so many obstacles that are in our way..

Depression..still, he's going to start taking his meds though. He says

My openness and his lack there of...sometimes I shares so much it makes it seem like he does even less. I can't help it I have always been this way.

Money/rebuilding/jobs/opportunities lost and that need to be created

and really the only thing that I haven't been able to forgive is the fact that we wouldn't be at the point that we are today if I hadn't been so steadfast in loving him no matter what. Sticking by my vows and whatnot.I wouldn't let him give up on us even though he tried to. It hurts that I was in a sense chasing someone that for a moment really just wanted to get away. He has to prove himself to me and he has to show me how bad he wants this. How important it is to him by turning his ass around and trying as hard as I have to come back to me.

I understand that some things just can't be repaired. If he doesn't feel the same way I do,...if he doesn't adore me, believe in me, if he just can't live without me. If he doesn't fall head over heels for me again then there is no point in this.

I want to be the sparkle in his eye. I want to be the hope in his heart. I want to be the reason that he picks himself back up and gets his shit together. I can't make him love me. If he can't express to me how much I mean to him before January or I guess later if we push it back to work on things then its not going to happen. I won't go through this again. I want him for life or not at all.

We shall see....he started calling me his girl again..its a start. Everything has to begin somewhere. We can't start over but we can begin now and create a new ending from here. 

Torrential Outpour

I feel misunderstood, or uncommunicative or, unheard. I'm not sure exactly which it is but I know I feel like crap. I talk, nobody listens, sometimes I feel like I would just prefer not speaking for days. Nobody can ignore you if your not speaking in the first place. Mostly I'm just run down because I keep trying to eek out precious minutes of time with my husband and I know he loves me but he just doesn't seem to want to make time for me. We work conflicting shifts, I work a ten and he works eight. We wake each other up half way through our nights any way we try to make things work. I feel like he thinks I have it easy because he's home already when I get home but its actually harder for me I think. I'm a lighter sleeper and I work more hrs, I get home and usually have to do something (cook,clean,run errands) He plays madden and throws some laundry in and falls asleep. It's making me slightly resent him that I don't seem him for days, he doesn't do as much as he used too and he's home longer than I am. All I ask is to maybe see him every third day for like and hour. Maybe some booty once in awhile, I mean how else are we ever going to have a baby. Grrrr. When I do see him he's grouchy. Then I'm grouchier the next time I see him. It's a descending spiral. He likes his new job, I'm not mad he took it. I just think we could figure out a better system, or he maybe could get on an actual schedule instead of doing whatever it is he does. I'm sick of him saying I'm always yelling at him. I wouldn't be so upset if he didn't act like he was the only one missing sleep and affected by this schedule issue. I just wait for the weekends and hope they come soon enough. Or I escape to the coffee shop because I can't stand to be mad at home while hes sleeping. Then I go home and sleep on the couch. I am bitter as cheap coffee.