So bad and Oh so good.

The date happened...It was very tame. Very safe. I enjoyed myself. We both said we had not only a good date but good days leading up to the date. The next weekend he invited me over to watch movies and we ordered our favorite pizza. It was comfortable and I felt relaxed for the first time in so many months. He looked calm, and smiled more than I have seen in a long time. I ended up staying the night....it hasn't complicated things. Other than now my body misses him more then my mind does at times. I know..tmi..anyway. Right now we are having a text off because I asked him to call me and he didn't. Sometimes he acts like he is coming around and remembering what we had before the depression destroyed us. Sometimes he doesn't. I don't know, hope is a dangerous thing but I still keep a smidge locked up in here.

There are so many obstacles that are in our way..

Depression..still, he's going to start taking his meds though. He says

My openness and his lack there of...sometimes I shares so much it makes it seem like he does even less. I can't help it I have always been this way.

Money/rebuilding/jobs/opportunities lost and that need to be created

and really the only thing that I haven't been able to forgive is the fact that we wouldn't be at the point that we are today if I hadn't been so steadfast in loving him no matter what. Sticking by my vows and whatnot.I wouldn't let him give up on us even though he tried to. It hurts that I was in a sense chasing someone that for a moment really just wanted to get away. He has to prove himself to me and he has to show me how bad he wants this. How important it is to him by turning his ass around and trying as hard as I have to come back to me.

I understand that some things just can't be repaired. If he doesn't feel the same way I do,...if he doesn't adore me, believe in me, if he just can't live without me. If he doesn't fall head over heels for me again then there is no point in this.

I want to be the sparkle in his eye. I want to be the hope in his heart. I want to be the reason that he picks himself back up and gets his shit together. I can't make him love me. If he can't express to me how much I mean to him before January or I guess later if we push it back to work on things then its not going to happen. I won't go through this again. I want him for life or not at all.

We shall see....he started calling me his girl again..its a start. Everything has to begin somewhere. We can't start over but we can begin now and create a new ending from here. 

Bread without butter

I am still here..its October. I am still in love with my husband. He says he misses me too, but hes afraid to do anything about it because so much has happened. He doubts that we can repair and heal from what has happened in any sort of healthy way. I don't think we are beyond repair. I truly believe that the first day of the rest of your life is tomorrow. You can decide to do whatever you want with it every morning. You just have to have the heart. If two people love each other like we do and if I have this much forgiveness in my heart. I know that if we both agreed to take another look that we would fall back together. Missing him is like having bread without butter, coffee without creamer, peanut butter without chocolate, sweet without salt. All of the above and so much more. I think of him in every action and every moment of every day. Not because I need him, not because life was easier before. Not just for my son to have married parents.

I want my best friend back. I want to be whole in someones arms again. I want to breathe him in, and to hear his heart beat when I fall asleep. I want to watch him make coffee with his feet turned in and a blanket wrapped around his whole body. I want to watch him sitting in positions that would ruin anyone else. I want to chat with him about random things and to watch his eyes light up when he gets to surprise me with some tidbit. I want to be able to tell him that I believe in him, that I love him, and that I'm there for him whenever I want to. I want to tuck our son into bed together. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. He is me and I am him.

People may not understand and may call me crazy but I really believe that there are many matches out there for each of us, but only one true match. The true match will challenge and inspire you to be the best person you could ever be for them. I think that I was lucky enough to meet my true match this early in my life. I just hope so desperately that he gets his strength of heart back before its too late. It kills me to see him so depressed all the time and to not be able to touch him. I really hope he hears me when I tell him that he is my everything. My restless day, my sleepless night, my uneaten dinner. My quiet moments, my blank stares. He consumed me years ago and he does still. My heart is empty. It refuses to feel love until he is replaced in the spot he has held for who knows how many lifetimes. I would rather be in the most amazing relationship ever that grew out of straight hell than in any easy relationship that hasn't been tried and tested. I feel like we can do this...I wish I could help him believe it. If he thinks he messed up then I hope he realizes that he can still fix it. All he has to do is fight. For me, for us, for himself. You make your own happiness, and you decide your own fate.

I love him, from the first absolutely comfortable and joyous moment ..we are linked for a reason...let it be known