Disbelief and...hope?

Quote me, "it's worth a shot," the four most amazing, and yes not very romantic words I have ever heard in my entire life. Out of my husbands mouth. He asked me to dinner. We went once before and I thought it was a date and he didn't and a fight ensued because I felt led on and he was oblivious. So this time I asked him flat out. Why do you want to go and what kind of dinner are we talking about? Then the four glorious but safe words."It's worth a shot."

Our relationship is worth a shot. Well damn I think so too and I've been waiting eight months to hear that. I have been living on edge for days. He asked two days ago to go out on Saturday and hasn't really said anything since. I am terrified that he will change his mind or let someone talk him out of it. I hope that he truly follows his heart. If he misses me and wants to go then no pressure lets go. If nothing more we are great old friends. Honestly though, what is more precious then being able to fall in love twice in a lifetime. I love him and maybe just maybe he is coming back from this dark place he has been in. I believe in us. The possibility of failure is not a reason to not try. It's a reason to try harder so that you cannot fail. When I married him failure was not an option. I loved him then and I love him still. Hope is a tragic and wonderful thing. If you are reading this....give and graciously accept the second chances that we desperately need in this life.

If for no other reason than why not love? There is no reason but love.

Bread without butter

I am still here..its October. I am still in love with my husband. He says he misses me too, but hes afraid to do anything about it because so much has happened. He doubts that we can repair and heal from what has happened in any sort of healthy way. I don't think we are beyond repair. I truly believe that the first day of the rest of your life is tomorrow. You can decide to do whatever you want with it every morning. You just have to have the heart. If two people love each other like we do and if I have this much forgiveness in my heart. I know that if we both agreed to take another look that we would fall back together. Missing him is like having bread without butter, coffee without creamer, peanut butter without chocolate, sweet without salt. All of the above and so much more. I think of him in every action and every moment of every day. Not because I need him, not because life was easier before. Not just for my son to have married parents.

I want my best friend back. I want to be whole in someones arms again. I want to breathe him in, and to hear his heart beat when I fall asleep. I want to watch him make coffee with his feet turned in and a blanket wrapped around his whole body. I want to watch him sitting in positions that would ruin anyone else. I want to chat with him about random things and to watch his eyes light up when he gets to surprise me with some tidbit. I want to be able to tell him that I believe in him, that I love him, and that I'm there for him whenever I want to. I want to tuck our son into bed together. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. He is me and I am him.

People may not understand and may call me crazy but I really believe that there are many matches out there for each of us, but only one true match. The true match will challenge and inspire you to be the best person you could ever be for them. I think that I was lucky enough to meet my true match this early in my life. I just hope so desperately that he gets his strength of heart back before its too late. It kills me to see him so depressed all the time and to not be able to touch him. I really hope he hears me when I tell him that he is my everything. My restless day, my sleepless night, my uneaten dinner. My quiet moments, my blank stares. He consumed me years ago and he does still. My heart is empty. It refuses to feel love until he is replaced in the spot he has held for who knows how many lifetimes. I would rather be in the most amazing relationship ever that grew out of straight hell than in any easy relationship that hasn't been tried and tested. I feel like we can do this...I wish I could help him believe it. If he thinks he messed up then I hope he realizes that he can still fix it. All he has to do is fight. For me, for us, for himself. You make your own happiness, and you decide your own fate.

I love him, from the first absolutely comfortable and joyous moment ..we are linked for a reason...let it be known

Muddled

I just read my last post..twice. I can't sleep right now because my mind is running like crazy. The fake and crazy girl that "wasn't his girlfriend," is gone. I missed my husband and I told him so. I know he misses my friendship. I don't know really how he feels and I wish he would tell me. We have hung out a couple times..and the oddest thing has happened. We laugh and have a good time like we used to. I don't know if there is any love left in his heart for me. I guess the most I can let myself hope for is that this means we will be able to get along.

Obviously I hope for much more. What women wouldn't. I still love him and I don't give a half a shit what anyone else thinks about our situation. If you haven't lived it from inside one of the two of us then you don't know anything.  I know that most people these days don't take the "for better or for worse," seriously when they say it. I meant it with all my heart. I know how much has been lost, but I can't keep thinking....what is six months.. to take the hardest, longest look at your relationship and really decide what will make you happy. If you have the rest of your life six months is worth it. If I can have my family and my love back..even if I die 6 months from now. Going through this last hardest six months of my life will have been worth it.

It takes strength beyond measure in todays world to say, "I don't quit, ..I don't give up on us." Especially when the other person does. I hope he realizes that. I have been here, and I will still be here.
If this all ends in January...then I will let go.

You may call me weak. Would you fight with everything you have to save your family?...To kiss someone you love again. Would you stand by someone through the hardest time of their life, even if it absorbed them and they pushed you away? I am...I will...I want my husband back. I want him to push the hair out of my face and kiss me. I am doing the unthinkable...I am from Generation Divorce...we quit 50% of the time. I am taking myself out of the we and I am going to do everything I can to rebuild my relationship. The foundation will always be strong...we'll see if I can make my best friend love me again.