The fates

So its been a proven point that when I'm struggling with something in life the fates jump right in and do something crazy. I've been fighting a pretty nasty internal battle lately. Fighting with a truth that I've found out about myself. I know that I am a pretty bad friend. Not all the time, but sometimes I get so wrapped up in me that I just detach and withdraw and avoid life. It's definitely a really bad thing to do, but what can I say I'm frickin human. Humans are flawed. Some more than others. Sometimes I'm sure that I'm one of the others.

I feel like when I review my childhood I tend to see things how I want to. Like my best childhood friend. She was my one constant. The only one who then and now never judged me or abandoned me. Who wasn't material or wishwashy. She stayed with me, even when we drifted apart and together the many times that we did. Though I feel that she's still with me. Even now. 

Trouble is that I haven't spoken to her in ages because I feel like we have grown into two totally different people with different lifestyles. I have this stupid assumption that I don't really deserve her unwavering friendship. I was the one who drifted and didn't keep in touch. I was the one who got jealous of the new friends she found when I went awry. I was the one who cried at her wedding not only because I was so happy for her, but also because I hadn't been there for her, hadn't done my part and didn't deserve the spot standing at her side.  

Crazy thing is that she is never far from my mind. I miss her, and think of her often. I wonder how she's doing. I hope that she wonders about me. I feel the love that I do for her that I share for few people.

Here is where the fates come in. I heard a tidbit about her life at work on thursday and it was some pretty exciting news that I heard only because of a grapevine. So she was on my mind and in my heart again. Then she jumped up behind me at the store yesterday and turned my world on its side. I miss her and there she is. Huhhh..