volcano's

S0 lately I have this extremely explosive attitude. Not necessarily a good one. I don't know what the deal is but I find myself getting really, really mad about tiny little things. It's like I can step outside and see myself fuming and I know it's ridiculous but I can't stop myself. When Lava hits the water it creates steam and stone and I feel like when I get upset I harden like that. Unless I unleash something I become this stone cold rocky person. It's upsetting. I don't like being so angry all the time. Mostly I'm reminded of how I was in middle school and early high school. I was this outsider, this lonely, extremely sad, despondent. I was unattached from everything. I feel like I'm sliding down this steep ridge toward a cycle of that mentality again. 

One minute I can be completely satisfied and happy and at ease. Then something triggers this feeling of withdrawal. Like I don't need people or there stupid feelings. I hate it when they upset me so I try to get away from them so they can't. It's like I'm trying to be a party of one. I don't want people near me and I don't want to be concerned about them either. I know this sounds very unhealthy. My only relief is my love. He seems to be the only one who can pull me back in and either kiss me or give me a slap in the brain. He makes me feel worthwhile. He brings me back to reality. I know that I'm really just extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and worried that I'm making wrong decisions about life.  I feel like the sky is edging down to press on the back of my head. Trying to force me to kneel and break down.  I've always had this strength of person and I know that I can shrug this off. I just feel like somehow I let people down all too often and that when shit hits the fan or gets bad or my relationship hits a rough spot it always seems that I'm the one at fault. If we get behind on bills or can't afford groceries it's going to be my fault for going back to school. Punishment for only trying to better myself. 

I need to stop, now I'm just feeling sorry for myself and bitchin....I wish I could breathe in this tight spot I've put myself in.