Coming full circle

About a year has passed since my last post...the funny thing is that I'm at much the same spot. My divorce was finalized in February and I have been focusing on my son and school to avoid the pain of missing my ex. There have been a lot of ups and downs in the last year but the last month things have been considerably better. Sometimes it takes time to heal and move past deep wounds. About a week ago my ex told me that he thinks he might still love me..and he kissed me. He has a lot of personal battles to keep fighting and a lot of rebuilding to do but I have never felt more proud of him. Making les for his happiness and working two jobs to try and get things back in order. It isn't going to be a snap of the fingers and we're back together. It's going to take work and I'm not sure that with his mom being sick and everything else going on that he as anything left to work on us. I know that if he's going to try then so am I. Like I said a year ago. I loved him then, I love him still. Always have and always will. He's my smile and my laugh and my heartbeat. He and my son are my life.

So bad and Oh so good.

The date happened...It was very tame. Very safe. I enjoyed myself. We both said we had not only a good date but good days leading up to the date. The next weekend he invited me over to watch movies and we ordered our favorite pizza. It was comfortable and I felt relaxed for the first time in so many months. He looked calm, and smiled more than I have seen in a long time. I ended up staying the night....it hasn't complicated things. Other than now my body misses him more then my mind does at times. I know..tmi..anyway. Right now we are having a text off because I asked him to call me and he didn't. Sometimes he acts like he is coming around and remembering what we had before the depression destroyed us. Sometimes he doesn't. I don't know, hope is a dangerous thing but I still keep a smidge locked up in here.

There are so many obstacles that are in our way..

Depression..still, he's going to start taking his meds though. He says

My openness and his lack there of...sometimes I shares so much it makes it seem like he does even less. I can't help it I have always been this way.

Money/rebuilding/jobs/opportunities lost and that need to be created

and really the only thing that I haven't been able to forgive is the fact that we wouldn't be at the point that we are today if I hadn't been so steadfast in loving him no matter what. Sticking by my vows and whatnot.I wouldn't let him give up on us even though he tried to. It hurts that I was in a sense chasing someone that for a moment really just wanted to get away. He has to prove himself to me and he has to show me how bad he wants this. How important it is to him by turning his ass around and trying as hard as I have to come back to me.

I understand that some things just can't be repaired. If he doesn't feel the same way I do,...if he doesn't adore me, believe in me, if he just can't live without me. If he doesn't fall head over heels for me again then there is no point in this.

I want to be the sparkle in his eye. I want to be the hope in his heart. I want to be the reason that he picks himself back up and gets his shit together. I can't make him love me. If he can't express to me how much I mean to him before January or I guess later if we push it back to work on things then its not going to happen. I won't go through this again. I want him for life or not at all.

We shall see....he started calling me his girl again..its a start. Everything has to begin somewhere. We can't start over but we can begin now and create a new ending from here. 

Disbelief and...hope?

Quote me, "it's worth a shot," the four most amazing, and yes not very romantic words I have ever heard in my entire life. Out of my husbands mouth. He asked me to dinner. We went once before and I thought it was a date and he didn't and a fight ensued because I felt led on and he was oblivious. So this time I asked him flat out. Why do you want to go and what kind of dinner are we talking about? Then the four glorious but safe words."It's worth a shot."

Our relationship is worth a shot. Well damn I think so too and I've been waiting eight months to hear that. I have been living on edge for days. He asked two days ago to go out on Saturday and hasn't really said anything since. I am terrified that he will change his mind or let someone talk him out of it. I hope that he truly follows his heart. If he misses me and wants to go then no pressure lets go. If nothing more we are great old friends. Honestly though, what is more precious then being able to fall in love twice in a lifetime. I love him and maybe just maybe he is coming back from this dark place he has been in. I believe in us. The possibility of failure is not a reason to not try. It's a reason to try harder so that you cannot fail. When I married him failure was not an option. I loved him then and I love him still. Hope is a tragic and wonderful thing. If you are reading this....give and graciously accept the second chances that we desperately need in this life.

If for no other reason than why not love? There is no reason but love.

Bread without butter

I am still here..its October. I am still in love with my husband. He says he misses me too, but hes afraid to do anything about it because so much has happened. He doubts that we can repair and heal from what has happened in any sort of healthy way. I don't think we are beyond repair. I truly believe that the first day of the rest of your life is tomorrow. You can decide to do whatever you want with it every morning. You just have to have the heart. If two people love each other like we do and if I have this much forgiveness in my heart. I know that if we both agreed to take another look that we would fall back together. Missing him is like having bread without butter, coffee without creamer, peanut butter without chocolate, sweet without salt. All of the above and so much more. I think of him in every action and every moment of every day. Not because I need him, not because life was easier before. Not just for my son to have married parents.

I want my best friend back. I want to be whole in someones arms again. I want to breathe him in, and to hear his heart beat when I fall asleep. I want to watch him make coffee with his feet turned in and a blanket wrapped around his whole body. I want to watch him sitting in positions that would ruin anyone else. I want to chat with him about random things and to watch his eyes light up when he gets to surprise me with some tidbit. I want to be able to tell him that I believe in him, that I love him, and that I'm there for him whenever I want to. I want to tuck our son into bed together. I miss him, I miss him, I miss him. He is me and I am him.

People may not understand and may call me crazy but I really believe that there are many matches out there for each of us, but only one true match. The true match will challenge and inspire you to be the best person you could ever be for them. I think that I was lucky enough to meet my true match this early in my life. I just hope so desperately that he gets his strength of heart back before its too late. It kills me to see him so depressed all the time and to not be able to touch him. I really hope he hears me when I tell him that he is my everything. My restless day, my sleepless night, my uneaten dinner. My quiet moments, my blank stares. He consumed me years ago and he does still. My heart is empty. It refuses to feel love until he is replaced in the spot he has held for who knows how many lifetimes. I would rather be in the most amazing relationship ever that grew out of straight hell than in any easy relationship that hasn't been tried and tested. I feel like we can do this...I wish I could help him believe it. If he thinks he messed up then I hope he realizes that he can still fix it. All he has to do is fight. For me, for us, for himself. You make your own happiness, and you decide your own fate.

I love him, from the first absolutely comfortable and joyous moment ..we are linked for a reason...let it be known

Muddled

I just read my last post..twice. I can't sleep right now because my mind is running like crazy. The fake and crazy girl that "wasn't his girlfriend," is gone. I missed my husband and I told him so. I know he misses my friendship. I don't know really how he feels and I wish he would tell me. We have hung out a couple times..and the oddest thing has happened. We laugh and have a good time like we used to. I don't know if there is any love left in his heart for me. I guess the most I can let myself hope for is that this means we will be able to get along.

Obviously I hope for much more. What women wouldn't. I still love him and I don't give a half a shit what anyone else thinks about our situation. If you haven't lived it from inside one of the two of us then you don't know anything.  I know that most people these days don't take the "for better or for worse," seriously when they say it. I meant it with all my heart. I know how much has been lost, but I can't keep thinking....what is six months.. to take the hardest, longest look at your relationship and really decide what will make you happy. If you have the rest of your life six months is worth it. If I can have my family and my love back..even if I die 6 months from now. Going through this last hardest six months of my life will have been worth it.

It takes strength beyond measure in todays world to say, "I don't quit, ..I don't give up on us." Especially when the other person does. I hope he realizes that. I have been here, and I will still be here.
If this all ends in January...then I will let go.

You may call me weak. Would you fight with everything you have to save your family?...To kiss someone you love again. Would you stand by someone through the hardest time of their life, even if it absorbed them and they pushed you away? I am...I will...I want my husband back. I want him to push the hair out of my face and kiss me. I am doing the unthinkable...I am from Generation Divorce...we quit 50% of the time. I am taking myself out of the we and I am going to do everything I can to rebuild my relationship. The foundation will always be strong...we'll see if I can make my best friend love me again.

Doubt-fire

I need a new beginning...

Not only because I am getting a divorce, but because I think that more than I have ever doubted anyone..I have doubted myself. My whole life.

It's hard to say,...almost impossible to admit to myself that it's true.

I have never felt good enough...for people...for success...for my family..I have always felt that no matter how hard I try or how much I do that I won't do or be good enough. It never bothered me when I was younger because I guess I grew up feeling that way and accepted it as a fact.

I graduated with high honors...but at one point I knew, absolutely knew in my heart that I wouldn't get accepted to college. Where I got that from I have no idea. I just thought I wasn't as smart, as driven, as dedicated as all of the talented people I loved. My second rate self could never get accepted. That's why I never applied to MSU...I auditioned for WMU because it was safe funny as that sounds. I thought I would never get in there either. I have doubted myself so much...and held myself back so much...it makes me soooooo SAD

I don't now, but when I was younger I always felt like a third wheel. Every great and best friend that I have ever had, has had one more best friend. I have never been part of a twosome. I always felt like the friend who could get amputated and the rest of the body would go on no problem. None of this was my friends faults. I just doubted how much I meant to people.

I often doubted that my husband appreciated me and that I was a good enough wife...a great enough woman...I'm sure that's a small part of why I ended up not being good enough.

I don't know I'm having a hard time putting words to what I am truly discovering about myself right now. I know that I need to discover the confidence that lives in me.

I held back in college because I knew that I wasn't a good actress, I felt like I was so lucky to be there. I  missed out with some people that could have been great friends..not just good friends, because I was envious of the talent that I believed they possessed and I did not.

I just know that the one thing I finally do have confidence in is being a mother. I have never doubted myself there. From the moment my son was put in my arms I knew that I was going to be a great mother.

I hope that I can get some homework done after this and I hope that I can really get this going and believe in myself and the success that I want with this schooling...I know in my heart that I can do it...I just know that with everything else that I'm going through that right now my hear isn't really in it.

I feel like a giant jumble of thorny vines and like I have to delicately untangle and trim and weave them toward the goals that I am striving for. It will be tedious. It will be tough. The first step is having this moment right now...this lightbulb.

I didn't know that I was holding myself back so much...now I do...and now I move on ....

Generation Divorce

So..8 months ago I was so geeked to be posting about my son and school and I think that I sounded hopeful...I wish I could go back 8 months and tell myself what was to come.

I'm sitting here listening to some of my old tunes..lots of sappy shit basically...and crying too so forgive the typos..Not that anyone reads this hidden web diary of mine anyway. I just needed to get this out of me right now or I may just combust...I have nothing..and nobody....I  miss his smell and his soft skin...and the way that he used to pull me in under his blanket in the kitchen and kiss me good morning

I'm getting divorced. Which sucks...a lot...and not for the reasons that you may think. I always assumed that if you got divorced that it was pretty mutual and that people hated each other or were just so far divided that they couldn't give two shits anymore so they split.

That's not my case...I still love my husband...like I love him so much that it kills me to wake up and realize where I am every morning...that I will never wake up to him again...that we'll never go on a date again..watch a game together again..I miss his smell...I miss his soft skin...his voice..his smile most of all...I'm pissed that he got me pregnant and then just stopped loving me...I'm pissed that I have to see him for our sons sake forever pretty much...I wish I could move away and never see him or anyone he is associated with ever again. It wouldn't matter..I would still miss him. After 5 years together he became my world...and I see him in every activity of every day. everything that I do for my son that I could use help with I do alone. I see couples at the store with their kids and I want to cry. Here I am with my son I love so much, and someday he will ask me what the hell I did to make his dad stop loving me. I think he will blame me...Not knowing how hard it was for me to make a life for us out of nothing...how hard it is to do everything without the support I had planned on having..I would never have chosen to do this by myself..I never thought in a million years that we out of all people would be getting a divorce....I was blindsided...I thought we were both stronger than this..that we were both worth more to each other...He used to say that he never knew happiness..never knew love until me....I didn't think he was lying to me when he said it....how does something like that change..

my husband wouldn't make time for me...he slowly drifted farther and farther away for reasons that he wouldn't even tell me until it was too late. I knew it was coming,...it breaks my heart to think about it. First he stopped coming up to bed when he got home from work. Then he stopped kissing me goodbye on his way out the door...and I knew it was over when he stopped saying he loved me. We promised years ago that if it ever wasn't true, we would stop saying it. The day before I walked out the door with no job and a 5 month old baby I sat with him in his chair and wrapped my arms around him and told him how much I loved him and he wouldn't hug me back. I have nightmares consistently now where in half he loves the hell out of me like he used to and then all of a sudden he just keeps pushing me away from him...It hurts just as if it were really happening. Even after I wake up. Screw that ..it hurts all day long..every time I breathe it hurts to exist without him....He made me better than I have ever been...and now I have been reduced to the one that got in the way.....God....and he already has a girlfriend...our son just turned 9 months old...I moved out in March...we decided to get divorced two months ago and he already has a girlfriend.....I want to stab him simply because I wanted him to have to pay a little for the pain he continues to cause me...but no...I get to sit and cry and starve because I can't eat...and go crazy because i can't sleep...and he gets to be with somebody....and I know that he doesn't miss me....What hurts the most is that he can look me in the eye and say he's over it...and I believe him...I must have meant so little..to have been discarded so easily...and I know ...I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life that we could have had if we had worked out our problems..I know that if he had a better sense of the kind of life and happiness he deserves...If he had been strong enough to not just give up and give in.....we would have made it all the way...I would have given anything ...worked my ass off and been so open and honest and understanding...I would never have just ...quit.

Like he did on me..

I am from Generation Divorce...we are the generation that gets a new  relationship when we have to put to much effort into the one we have...we are the generation that treats people like they mean and are worth nothing...we break up families and friends and pets because we think its okay, everybody does it so it must be. We are the generation that lets work, money and everybody but our partner define our relationship. We let things build up inside us until the resentment created burns the love out of our hearts...We are the generation that is making love something that is intermittent....fleeting...impermanent ...We have taken marriage too lightly because we believe that divorce is our way out ....Instead of getting married with the intentions of spending lifetimes together.

If I had a choice..If I had been given a chance to ...hell....If he had let me in and told me what was going on from his end....before the baby....If I hadn't left that day....If I hadn't taken my ring off....If he had asked me out for my birthday like he was going to ...if I had never made two or three of the twenty phone calls..

If I had had the balls to show up at the house two weeks after I left like I wanted to..If I had had the balls to tell him how much he really meant to me..If I had had the strength ....I go over all the things I could have should have done every day.....and they won't make any difference now....It's over....and no matter how much it hurts....no matter how destroyed I am....It's still over....