before i go

I just want to say something to no one really about what it's like to be me. Mostly because I've been feeling stretched out and snappy about defending myself so often lately. Get over it. I can't help who I am. Stop making gay jokes at my expense.

I'm married, monogamous and happy with that. Very happy actually. I've also been bisexual since oh as long as I can remember, probably since I was born. I didn't really recognize that I was different for liking girls until early high school. Before that I almost didn't realize it and definitely didn't talk about it because it was way too weird for me. Other girls never thought about girls. I stayed quiet and closed up mostly because of my family. They're all pretty open minded, but also pretty damn old fashioned and really traditional. So until I really got immersed in an environment were people could have cared less I didn't talk to anyone about it. I've heard from many people that they don't believe me or that they never knew or that I'm not gay anymore because I married a man. ughhg. I'm bisexual, I always will be. Duh.

I was never really that girly, I had no sisters and was raised by a lineage of strong unwavering, hardworking women. We all like to do for ourselves rather than to have others do for us. I truly believe, like most lgbt that you are born and not made how you are. I rode quads and dirtbikes and ran through the woods barefoot as a kid. I loved getting dirty and being outside. I can only remember being girly I guess when it was appropriate. I never played with dolls unless someone else wanted me to. I played horses or crawled around like a dog. I never really had a boyfriend. One in middle school and none in high school. In high school I had just as many girl crushes as I did guy crushes. Didn't act on either. My one year at college I had a 3 week long flingy thing with one guy and went on one date with another guy, I was scared of lesbians because they were all out to there families and proud of just being themselves. Not my story. I was almost ashamed to be myself. How horribly sad that sounds.

There are these guys at work who know I dated a girl before I met my husband and they constantly make jokes and little jabs at me and tell me I'm being too sensitive when I get mad about it. They have no idea what it's like being me. When you live an alternative lifestyle your essentially on the radar all the time. When I dated a girl I couldn't go to dinner, go to the store, hold her hand in public without someone doing a double take or making a lewd ass comment. Guys are pigs. It's definitely gotten a lot easier to be out in todays world, but it still isn't easy.

So I really get pissed when people make me feel like less of a person or try to talk to me like I'm just confused.

I'm not confused. I love my husband. Period. I also can't help that I still find women attractive. Just like straight married people who's eyes wander. I'm monogamous and I would never want to be one of those people who was like, "I need both in my life to be fulfilled," because I don't. I can't however stop being gay. I relate to that lifestyle and lesbian and gay people too. Sometimes I miss being around people who are free with who they are and who don't give a fu&$ who I am. That's all. 

I'm done ranting,...It's just gotten me way more worked up about the situation. I hate that.