Individuals

I'm back on blogger, probably for as sparse a time as I have been in the last four years but I feel really wrecked emotionally today so I reset my password and climbed back on the feeling sorry for myself bandwagon.

I hate my job. I hate that I'm a hypocrite and that I have ranted about human wastes of air and space and now I have become one. I've always said that the relationships you have and the people that you really connect to equate to the mark you leave in the world. Yet I've wrestled my circle of people down to a mere few. I mean having a few people around that matter to you is more important than constantly being part of a meaningless crowd but,...I shouldn't have let so many people that mean something to me slip away so easily. People are worth more than that. I mean I hope that I am. ugh

A pound of flesh for paradise....these are lyrics that wreck my mind. In many ways. I read this and interpret it as, all the pieces of yourself that you have to sacrifice to have something you think is ideal. Utopian. Right. I don't know and I'm sure that no one will understand but, I've lost many soul appendages In the last nine years. I've given pieces of myself away, exchanged them for things that I thought would be better. I'm just like any other person in the search for their true self.  Suppression of parts of yourself gains you entry to other worlds. When you want to leave you can't seem to pull them back up to the surface.

I want to be a better me. I want to be a better friend, I want to have more friends. I want to have more of myself back. I want to be a better lover. I want you to want me....I want me to want me back again. I just want.....but don't we all.