Birth...

I just deleted any other blog I had so that I could start anew on here, and so that I could keep up with my best friends on here. So this post is actually from four days ago...but it means a lot so I saved it and transplanted it here.

Brand new, clean slate, blank canvas....new beginning. It really doesn't matter what I call it, it all ends up meaning the same thing. Today was supposed to just be a simple trip to the library to return a book....it somehow turned into something else. It felt like spring outside today. Honest spring, with crisp, chilly, humid air that made me shiver and sweat all at the same time. I feel stupid admitting it, but whenever I'm getting ready to do something alone, like going to the library downtown or walking to Rocketstar, I get kind of anxious. The only reason I could covince myself to go today was because I knew I had to go today or my book would be late. I got dressed and even did my hair and put some makeup on, like camo...If I look like the general population ...reasonably unhippy then nobody will bother me. I got on the bus and the ride was usual..boring.

When I got off and hit that air, with the weak spring sunlight fighting to heat the air...I don't know..I just smiled for some reason...I have been bumming and sick for the last couple of weeks and I just felt like no matter what happens I can get through these last couple of weeks at school. I'm tough as fucking nails and I know it....even if I don't sleep and get frazzled as shit....I'm going to finish this year out with a bang. I owe it to myslef to do well. Even if no one else realizes what a big thing it is for me as a first generation college student...even if my parents don't ....I feel like with this one year....I've done something that I never thought I would do...I'm going to a four year University....not a community college, not a doggie grooming school, not working and living at home...(even though those are all respectable things)...I'm 18 and I'm fuckin in college....me..Me

Don't get me wrong I was always a good student...a hell of a procrastinator but a good student none the less. I graduated high school with high honors..oh yeah the golden tassle. I just somehow always thought that I wasn't really college material...I doubted myself. Something I've found that I do way to often. Why the hell can't I find my confidence? I sometimes have little faux bits but I'm an actress I make them look really impressive .
Oh...man....honestly ..I could ramble forever..today was like, a spiritual thing, I don't know....Spring is the rebirth of the earth...and being and earth sign...I think I'm following suit. That's all I can say..